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A.K. Folami: Self-Accountability Is The Solution For Saving Black Love

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AK Folami discusses how men and women can put their feud to an end.


Ending the Battle of the Sëxes; It all starts with you
by A.K. Folami

“You attract what you are.”

Yes, it’s true whether you realize, accept or believe it. The principle is ever at work in your life and relationships. It’s a way of thinking that is not commonly thought about, and one I’m just now starting to really “get” after almost five decades on the planet. Initially my title for this piece was going to be “The Great Divide: Battle of the Sëxes,” but the more I thought about it, the more I realized the title expressed a negative point of view. I opted for the flip-side, the “glass half full” view, since I’m daily learning to strive for the positive in situations now that I better understand that we attract, what we are, and what we choose to focus on.

Recently I spent some time on a relationship forum watching brothers and sisters arguing back and forth with each other. Black men complaining about Black women and Black women criticizing Black men. I saw first-hand how you can come away from such (negative) settings bewildered, disturbed, and many other (negative) emotions. Negativity breeds and attracts more negativity. Even if you start off the day positive, a dark cloud can descend over it if you spend extended time in such environments.

Then people who spend hours per day or week on such sites exerting a lot of their energy, or having their energy sapped by the negativity, wonder why their view of the world, the opposite sëx and the future is so bleak, gloomy and ….. negative. Some wonder why they aren’t attracting quality relationship candidates of the opposite sëx to have positive relationships with.

Well, it all starts with you. “You attract what you are and what you choose to focus on.” If you want to meet quality, positive people you have to become that type of person yourself and start thinking positively and surrounding yourself with uplifting, rather than depressing company. This means avoiding or spending very little time in negative environments.

You are responsible for the condition of your own life and the amount of positivity or negativity you allow into it. Take charge of yourself. If you aren’t attracting the “good” man or woman you want in your life, take an assessment of yourself because whatever and whoever you are attracting is only a reflection of you.

If you want to attract someone who will love you, it all starts with you. Do you even love yourself? Some people laugh at such a question or think it’s silly, but if you don’t love your own self that’s what you will attract back: People who will find it difficult to express healthy love and respect for you.

How to learn to love yourself is a separate subject, but it’s the key to attracting loving people into your life and pulling so many good things to yourself. When you start honoring and loving your uniqueness, you’ll find that you more easily spot appealing and positive qualities in other people – not necessarily people you will become romantically involved with – but individuals with magnetic and inviting personalities. Traits you overlooked many times before when you chose to keep your head in a gray cloud of negativity.

I challenge you to try it. Choose to get your head out of the clouds of despair. Identify things you love about yourself and your life. Focus on them and the good feelings they bring you. Then make it a habit when you step out of the house to take note of the people you encounter who reflect back to you those same feelings. People who make you smile, laugh, and just feel good. Since gratitude is an essential part of the self-love process, express appreciation for these individuals and the beauty they add to your day.

Most would love to repeatedly experience such positive interactions; yet, how many people believe they are actually responsible for what they attract in others, be it good or bad? If the bad you’re getting back is truly a reflection of something in your own thinking, behavior, level of development or lifestyle, then getting upset about it makes as much sense as looking in the mirror and arguing with your reflection about what you see. Why not just start, as Michael Jackson sang, with the man or woman in the mirror and change the image there into something that makes you smile and feel good?

It all starts and ends with you. It’s time out for the competition of the sëxes, men waiting for women to change this or that, women waiting for men to start doing this or that. No. The only person you can change is yourself. If you want better from the people in your life and from the people you meet – including potential relationship partners – start focusing on better in yourself, your thinking process and everything around you.

Bring Beauty Forward

A.K. Folami is a freelance writer and journalist who lives in Denver, Colorado. Her writings reflect the many things she continues to learn on her lifelong journey as an ever-evolving, changing and growing woman. Read more of her writings and thoughts on her Facebook page “Bring Beauty Forward.”


  1. praise1790

    July 3, 2014 at 11:36 am

    How to get your children to start thinking positive?

    • A.K.

      July 3, 2014 at 11:56 am

      praise, that is the million dollar question and certainly worth looking into since it would save so many young ones from taking 1/4, 1/3 or 1/2 of their lives to learn how to do.

      one of the answers might be the same as if the question were posed to adults: help them identify their strengths, skills and talents – the things that make them feel good and feel positive. then guide them into how to incorporate those things regularly into their lives for their own benefit as well as the benefit of others. life is the same for them as it is for us: it’s hard or impossible to be negative when you’re engaged in doing things you love to do. just my .02 🙂


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