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Should I Tell My Husband Our Last Child Isn’t His?

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Dear Demetria:

I am the mother of two. I have an amazing husband and father to my children. The last child is not his, and he is unaware. His best friend and I had a one-night stand two years ago when my hubby was out of town. I can’t bring myself to come clean.

I just started going to therapy about this. The guilt is making me miserable. I feel honesty would break our whole family apart. I’m afraid to find out what my husband may do. —Anonymous

My grandmother had a saying about truth: “What’s done in the dark will always come to the light.” You’ve been carrying some huge secrets, and despite trying to ignore and avoid them, they’ve come to the forefront of your mind nearly three years later with a crippling vengeance that’s making you miserable.

I’m glad you’re in therapy. That’s a good starting point. If you have a good therapist, she or he will help you find the courage to “come clean,” as you put it, and tell your husband the truth about your affair and the child that resulted from it. It’s not the easy thing to do, but it is the right course of action here for everyone involved, including you.

Your husband deserves to know the truth, and sooner rather than later. Your child, though too young to understand what’s going on now, also deserves the truth, and the older she or he is when you tell her or him, the more devastated the child will be. Surely you’ve seen that viral video of the trailer for Paternity Court when a grown man discovers that his dad is not his biological father. He was broken, and it’s heartbreaking to watch. You don’t do that to your kid.

READ MORE via Should I Tell My Husband Our Last Child Isn’t His? – The Root.

164 Comments

  1. Angelique

    June 28, 2014 at 4:46 pm

    Don’t tell you made that one mistake don’t ruin everything now at least you said he’s a great father let his be and the Baby is going to be so confused and hurt. I say wait till the child is 18 or don’t tell at all.

    • Sean

      June 30, 2014 at 11:51 am

      Angelique,

      Although the child didn’t ask to be brought into this world, and what’s in their best interest is a priority, there are legal and financial aspects as well.

      1. People make bad choices – she chose unprotected sex with a man that’s not as good of a father as her husband? The option to bear the emotional and financial burden of caring and providing for someone else’s child should be his alone; and not the her’s or the legal system.

      2. Legality – While all state laws vary, in most states, if they divorce, the biological parental rights trump any rights or guardianship of the non-biological parent. So he cares and pays for a child he thinks is his only to watch another man come in a take that away? Again, his choice.

      I found that I wasn’t the biological parent of my youngest daughter when she was 9yrs old. We have a wonderful father-daughter relationship, and I love her just as much as the day she came into my life.

    • Jeanette

      June 30, 2014 at 6:56 pm

      You are exactly correct, don’t make another mistake by telling and destroying your family. However, your conscious should continue to kick your ass!

  2. Tamel

    June 29, 2014 at 8:22 am

    As a therapist, a good therapist isn’t one who would encourage her to come clean. A good therapist is one who will assist her in weighing out the options with consequences, so she can make the right decision for herself.

  3. Sarah

    June 29, 2014 at 2:18 pm

    Did you say you have an amazing husband and you slept with his best best friend who got you pregnant? Are you really serious? I hear people talking about 1 night stand like that’s so great. I think that is sickening. Your husband should divorce you A.S.A.P. His best friend is a dog.

  4. Angelia

    June 29, 2014 at 2:26 pm

    Bad choices. The first to do it and then to go there without protection. The longer you wait the more pain you will cause for yourself. Which is worse a child or HIV?

  5. corbin

    June 29, 2014 at 2:52 pm

    What’s done in the dark does not always come out in the light. That is just a phrase to guilt you into submission or confession. That’s all. Just a phrase. Old people and pastors love to turn phrases. So what?? She had a one night stand that resulted in a pregnancy. She chose to have the baby. Either live with the secret or tell your husband and risk it all. Life goes on. Either way, life goes on.

  6. Jacqueline

    June 29, 2014 at 3:52 pm

    This is a hard decision to make!!!! You said it was a one night stand? There must of been some vibes between you and him to sleep with him. I don’t know how understanding he would be with this.

  7. Edward

    June 29, 2014 at 4:05 pm

    If your women enough to do it with your husbands best friend then be women enough to face the consequences. Women unless they’re a whore don’t just jump in bed with a man, they usually have an emotional connection. Why have the baby? You could’ve aborted! I’m not advocating for abortion, I’m advocating for honesty to oneself, the husband, the baby and the punk best friend. You created a mess now your looking for an exit strategy! Wow…..why didn’t you tell your hubby after the affair if you mean to keep the family together? If your into religion know matter what your faith preference you’ve broke covenant. What now, Tell us all how mucked up relationships are even with great spouses?!?! This is crazy!!!! I think your selfish, irresponsible, and a coward!!! However, I see a path to healing. 1) You can continue in therapy 2) find a faith to believe in and actually practice it in obedience 3) Be honest with your spouse and let the chips fall where they may 4) practice forgiveness because your going to need it if you two stay together for yourself and him. I will pray for you, you’ve opened yourself up to negative things in the universe. Be encouraged and do the right thing from this Day forward and you’ll be able to look yourself in the mirror one day and help someone.

  8. Glory Mosby

    June 29, 2014 at 4:26 pm

    @ Edward : Great advice!! No need for me to add to that!!! As a matter of fact, alot of the comments were basically spot on!! :*

  9. KalvinJefferson

    June 29, 2014 at 5:10 pm

    Take it to the grave!That’s the best move for all concerned.P.S. The wages of sin is death:The death of your marriage,family and the trust of your husband if you tell him about your wanton infidelity.

  10. jim

    June 29, 2014 at 6:16 pm

    I guess women are no better than men . The question is are the other two children his as well? All that therapy crap is just that crap instead of spending all of that money on a crackpot need to save it up for a divorce lawyer

  11. Sonya

    June 29, 2014 at 8:41 pm

    I totally disagree with Demetria’s reckless advice. Do not destroy your husband and have your child live with being a constant reminder of the event by unloading your guilt onto him; this guilt is your penance for being so irresponsible and selfish.

    Take it to your grave. No good will come of it anyway, unless all you care about is how you feel. Suck it up and lock it far away in the recesses of your mind. And be a good mother and wife going forward.

  12. ericaf

    June 29, 2014 at 9:01 pm

    If your husband is such a great man, what on earth would make you violate his trust and sleep with of all people his best friend? You had no good intentions towards your husband and his friend knew it, that was why he was able to make advances and sleep with you. Now you’re going to further destroy him, his manhood and everything he holds sacred. Does this other man know that the child is his? And how does he feel about it? Maybe your husband already knows by looking at the baby, if they are best friends he can probably see similarities. My husband’s brother , who lived with us came into my bedroom early one morning while I was asleep, I sensed someone was in the room and woke up, he asked for his brother (the room wasn’t that big so he could see he wasn’t there, he also knew he had left for work) I calmly said he’d left already. He walked out the room. I got up, locked my door, told my husband and continued to lock myself in my room whenever he was in the house until he moved out. You had no excuse for what you did. Keep the secret until he asks you, then tell the truth. He will be more apt to forgive then. Pray and be the wife you’re supposed to be for once. Keep your family together for as long as you can. Peace.

  13. TIMM DAWG

    June 29, 2014 at 9:52 pm

    GOD works in mysterious ways. It is just that your guilt is causing you misery. That’s GOD’S way of bringing what has been done in the dark to light. FEAR GOD FIRST!!! Before you fear your husband’s reaction. I am confident that you’ll then what is right.

  14. JD Houston

    June 29, 2014 at 10:28 pm

    She doesn’t have to tell him — he already knows! I can tell the difference from the pic and I never met the man. Ray Charles can see the kid’s not his and he’s blind AND dead. Come on now!

  15. Yolanda

    June 30, 2014 at 5:14 am

    All these people telling you to die with the lie are giving you the wrong advice. The truth ALWAYS comes to light. The biggest reason besides that is for health reasons. If the child needs blood or a kidney or has a disease that may be tied to genetics, it will be more devastating to both her husband and the child. Tell him and move on. Not telling them is to big of a gamble and is selfish.

  16. BeeKay

    June 30, 2014 at 6:00 am

    As a man this identical situation has happened too I felt the need to weigh in on this situation. The advice given is excellent advice. To those who felt the advice was reckless and poor please check your motives and consciousness. If this woman made this conscious decision to have unprotected sex with her husband’s best friend then she should be bold enough to tell him. First off if she had a prior relationship of any sort with this man it was not a one night stand. There relationship developed over time. There was some flirting and attraction and discussion of feelings prior to that evening. One or both parties were willing and able participants before they had sex and both parties had the ability to correct the other from making that final move. This was a calculated situation that just waited for the right moment to happen in order to do the nasty. Sidenote:And where was the other child while they were having sex? Lastly the father and child do deserve the respect of knowing and the same way she took the chance to cheat, she should take the chance that her husband and child might not understand the why, but may be willing to seek counseling together to try and move past the hurt, guilt and shame. The last thing she should want is for them to find out the situation from some other source then her. Example is if one of the becomes ill and needs something from the other and are not a biological match. Happens more than you know. Now she ha some explaining to do in the midst of a trying sickness. At the end of the day be a women and come clean is the best thing. My marriage ended in divorce because of the lies, deception, and arrogance of my ex-wife who refused to come clean. Had she been honest from the jump, been remorseful and displayed humility and a genuine desire to make it right for the rest of our lives, we would still be together. But she went the route of all you very cold hearted deceptive folks and decided to try and take it to the grave but I no longer hid the secret and shared it with my teenage son so that I am not the one he will mistrust or hate behind the situation especially in adulthood.

  17. Consuella

    June 30, 2014 at 10:12 am

    I have a question or two. First does the other potential father know he may be the father of your child & my second question would be are you sure your husband is not the father. Either way your husband need to know. You cannot build a honest marriage which should also be trust worthy if you hold on to this. Your conscious is bothering you because of this deception. Both men need to be told and beg, plead & pray for forgiveness. Don’t rob your husband of the right to decide if he wantto stay with you . It’ll be much worse if he find out any other way than from you. As children we was encouraged to be honest & acce the consequences of our action which should be second nature to you. You made your bed… (you know the rest) but also if your husband is ever disabled & has to collect social security, you will have to give a DNA test for the children to collect part also whether married or not unless their is a record of adoption. Let your conscious be your guide.

  18. Devon

    June 30, 2014 at 12:36 pm

    Nasty ass THOT what she did will come to light.

  19. marcus davis

    June 30, 2014 at 5:59 pm

    Sounds like an episode out of Jerry Springer, the husbands best friend to,couple of skanks. Husband should definetly divorce her.How he can ever trust her again? She made a calculated decision to cheat and to sleep with her husbands so called best friend.Maybe she should go on Maury and do the DNA test.Once a cheat always a cheat.

  20. lorraine

    July 2, 2014 at 2:39 pm

    Hot mess! Realize this: a medical emergency that requires blood, or any other proceedure for your husband and his son will bring the truth out. Truth is in the blood! I wish you all the best in a difficult situation. And by the way, to thine own self be true!!

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