black women

Dr. Samori Swyger Gives A New Perspective on the Single Parent Household

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single parent householdDr. Samori Swygert

We’re having problems dealing with the reality of single parent households.  Ultimately, the problem resides with both parents of the children being born and raised in single parent households.

There is a high incidence of diabetes in the African American community, so this writing will not be sugar-coated!

Stop Passing the Buck

The blame goes on both individuals, and it’s time to stop pointing fingers at the other mate, social, and governmental constructs.  At the end of the day, individuals choose to get naked, and copulate.  Uncle Sam, the police, your job, your parents, your friends, are not in the room cheering you on or helping the insertion and ejaculation of the male genitalia into the female vaginal cavity, point blank PERIOD!

We embrace the acceptance of excuses, and blame any and all 3rd parties, but ourselves.  Let’s keep it 1000%.

We acquiesce to our personal, selfish, lustful desires in our hearts, and visions within our minds.  Men look at women and see how voluptuous she is from her lips to her hips and how pretty she is in the face.  Women do the same analysis of the male physical anatomy.  The physical attraction to the opposite sεx’s anatomy captivates our desires, and the allure of smooth, easy, casual conversation seals the deal for most.  Sometimes it may go beyond the physical, and it involves the allure of money, and social clout.

Unfortunately, after sex, and after we’ve explored all our carnal fantasies, our post-orgasmic reality sets in. The post-coital soberness of the situation becomes blatantly apparent.  We see that we are incongruent in our emotions, beliefs, expectations, and dreams.  Sadly, and frequently, the realization of incompatibility occurs after impregnation.

The things we excused, allowed, permitted, ignored, and settled for to have this physical intimacy now become more pronounced.  All these factors become irritants and monkey wrenches in the dreams we’ve had for ourselves.  This person now becomes a permanent fixture in our life because of an infinite bond between the children that are conceived.  The person may also become a deserter that relieves him or herself from the shared responsibilities and demands of parenting.  Frustration develops because we never envisioned this imperfect lifestyle that we are now forced to live with.

The True Problem

Truthfully we can only blame ourselves because we don’t conduct enough thorough, in-depth character assessment of the individuals we choose to share our bodies with.  We pay more attention to the physical aesthetics of attraction.

We don’t conduct long term examination of individual’s character.  We are not willing to watch a person for a year before being intimate and judge their character because we think it’s abnormal, physically unrealistic, and uncool… NEWSFLASH! BUT WE SPEND 18-21 YEARS IN AND OUT OF CHILD SUPPORT COURT, ARGUMENTS, PAYCHECK GARNISHMENTS, PHYSICAL BATTLES, CUSTODY HEARINGS, FIGHTS BETWEEN NEW SPOUSES, DIMINISHED SAVINGS, and complaining to any receptive ear about our story.

This thinking is illogical but we are sold on this behavior through entertainment, bad advice from elder family, friends, associates, and our own lust to satisfy our flesh.  But satisfaction of the flesh is no longer excusable! I mean people smoke Crack because it feels good, right? 

It’s imperative that both black men and women stop blaming each other for single parent households, and hold their horses for a minute.  Recognize that there is an attraction, embrace it, and admit it to each other, but EXERCISE SELF CONTROL!!  Then examine your mate.

Pre-Sεx Assessment

See if the person possesses the qualities of: patience, honesty, dependability, fidelity, consideration, helpfulness, strong work ethic, productivity, forgiveness, identical ideologies and philosophies on family and religion, how they handle finances, how they cope with stress, and handle disagreements.

However, this takes time, and you can’t obtain this information from 2 and 5 months of sεx and dating.  We are skipping the conversation, jumping to consummation, and then holding each other in condemnation.  Are we in that much physical heat and impatience that we can’t screen for a year, versus agonizing about child support for 21 years?  It takes two to tango.  I don’t care how enamored you are with the girl and guy you are dating, if we are to shift this single parent paradigm, we have to change our current irresponsible behavioral patterns.  If you don’t believe me, you are not being honest and real with yourself.  We are more serious about satisfying our bodies and not the intrinsic criteria of the mate we NEED.

We don’t shop for stocks and investments like this! We examine a company’s performance over an extended period of time, we review their history, we analyze the company’s mission statement, analyze how much the stock yields in interest, we see how it fits into our portfolio!  If we can do this for our money, why can’t we do this for our bodies, future children, and family plans?

If this is too restrictive for you, than maybe you should always have a notarized contract relieving individuals of parental responsibility, wear a condom with spermicidal lubricant, while the female is on birth control, during the least fertile time of the month as you use the withdrawal method during ejaculation, and take a Plan B after sεx, all at the same dαmn time (you know, like the PORNSTARS do). This is truly sad because we are producing generations of kids out of lust, not love, and all children should be conceived in love, although this is not the prevailing norm.

Dr. Frances Cress Welsing (author of The Isis Papers) said that “we play games with love, and the jokes end up on our children”.

Talk back to me!!



    December 19, 2013 at 8:26 pm


  2. F Walker

    December 19, 2013 at 8:26 pm

    There is a lot of truth to this article. This made me think about some of the past relationships that I entered into that were not suitable. I can only imagine what would have become of my life if I did not excercise sound judgement regarding the individual that I was dating and produced kids. That would have been a recipe for disaster. Ladies, don’t have a baby thinking that the man will stick around or change because he won’t. Also look at the character of these individuals. If they are not patient, have anger issues, more concerned about hanging out with their buddies, want to be a player and are momma’s boys that will not get a job, guess what, when that child comes along, he will be the same way thus disappearing somewhere down the line. Think before you freak!

  3. True but

    December 19, 2013 at 10:09 pm

    Except some people change once children are born. So you could spend 10 plus years with a person but until you have children and all the responsibilities that lies with being a responsible parent, a portion of this is moot. Not to mention those single parents that single parents and divorced. Or even single parents and married. Learning that being a parent is about sacrifice for your children will make situations much better. After the obvious screening process mentioned.

    As a child of a single household parent but my dad missed NOTHING till the day he died for myself or my brother that wasn’t his and 9 years older.

  4. jay

    December 20, 2013 at 12:02 am

    Good point! VERY insightful, everything is not always this or that! The gray areas are the learning experiences for future reference!!! We all hold accountability in raising our children…

  5. Read and think !

    December 20, 2013 at 12:52 am

    Great information and WE need a change in our relationships. Teach the young men and women to be husbands and wives. No more babie mom and run away daddies. Save our selves.

  6. Devon

    December 20, 2013 at 3:14 am

    YES!! YES!! FINALLY someone with enough guts to tell the truth about single mothers, next I want details of how it’s fucking up the black community, because it is…in a bad way. I will NEVER be the black woman who contributes to this embarrassing, sloppy mess. If I don’t marry, I will NOT bring a child into this world, it’s not fair for any child to NOT grow up in a two parent household.

  7. Hiroader2

    December 20, 2013 at 6:31 am

    That post-orgasmic reality just proves the relationship was merely *casual* at best , With no commitment or devotion or planning for procreations or family … The fact that the law & government has opt to intervene has not solved the casual s.e.x aspect of sociailizing one bit.. We have to change thr way we SOCIALIZE, the law should be “No financial benefits ” meaning child support unless the relationship has a legal marriage obligation of commitment, A plan/intent to share a future together…

    Not this (basketball wives) free housing, food, medical & money system that benefits casual relations… We need to UPGRADE our standards of socializations… Outta wedlock (w/o a intent for commitment & family) should mean outta luck… (problem solved?)…

  8. fred sims

    December 20, 2013 at 8:35 am

    My grandfather used to say “Ya gotta get outta bed sometime, then what?”

  9. Devon

    December 21, 2013 at 4:38 am

    @ True But – MOST of these situations aren’t situations where people did things the right way, tried to make it work, then failed. MOST of these situations occur when two sloppy people get together, have sloppy, irresponsible sex and produce babies. Birth control is low cost or even free at clinics in the hood, and condoms are free. No excuses. Time we stop dancing around an issue that’s producing a nation of 72% of kids who have no father in the home, and single mothers trying to do teach boys to be men, and those boys becoming thugs and bangers and drug dealers AND repeating the sloppy sexual habits of their absentee fathers, while their daughters as soon as they become teens, repeating the sloppy sexual habits of their mothers. This mess is destroying the black community. Another four or five generations from now, the out of wedlock birthrate in the black community will be 100% of kids born out of wedlock. The community is in dire straits or in layman’s term, a hot ghetto mess. And PLEASE don’t come back at me about what WHITE people are doing, I could care LESS about what they’re doing. It is irrelevant to the issue at hand.

    • Paula Craig

      December 21, 2013 at 11:00 am

      @ Devon, well said! This is such a critical issue. We must educate the younger generation in order to break this vicious cycle and in order to do so, I believe we must change their mind set. I wish I knew then, what I know now, is a phrase that we hear all too often; so let’s teach them now, so they can avoid this destructive behavior later. Please continue the discussion by sharing the article with friends and family. Peace and Blessings!

      • Devon

        December 22, 2013 at 8:59 pm

        @ Paula Craig – Im already on it. Forwarded to other women I know. Peace!

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