black women

Single Mothers: Six Surefire Ways to Raise a Sorry Azz Black Man

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by Dr. Boyce Watkins

A lot of people are not going to like what I have to say, but let me start by saying this:I really don’t give a &*^%.   These words come from a man who has seen too many black men grow up to become irresponsible, self-absorbed, excessively entitled, weak men, largely because they were coddled at home.  This does not always happen at the hands of a single mother, but it almost always occurs due to parents who do not understand their role in raising intelligent and responsible human beings.  Let’s be clear:  If you raise your son to be a boy, he’s going to remain a boy.  Typically, strong male role models make it easier to build manhood, mothers cannot usually do it alone.

This is a comedic exaggeration, but perhaps we can think while we laugh.  Even if you get mad at me for saying this, you can’t pretend like this doesn’t happen a bit too much.  Before we get into the tired diatribe about this being some kind of assault on single black mothers, understand that if I hate single black mothers, that means I hate my late grandmother.  My own mother was a 17-year old single mom until she married my second father three years after I was born.  And it was her commitment to raising me with more discipline than my male friends that guided me away from the same gutters, prison cells,  and rehab clinics that many of them occupy to this day. 

So, if you want  your son to grow up to be a horrible father and husband for somebody else, here are a few things you can do:

1)      Never make him accountable:  If he goes to jail, mortgage your house to pay for the attorney.  If he gets fired from his fourth job in a row, of course it’s because he’s black.  Anything that goes wrong in his life, explain to him why none of it is ever his fault.  Make a long list of excuses for everything he does. If he gets in trouble at school, it’s the teacher’s fault.   If he has an angry outburst and attacks someone, it’s because he had too much sugar.  Remember:  Nothing that he ever does wrong, to anyone, at any time, is ever his fault.   Jesus will make him better eventually.

2)      Allow him to be lazy:  Clean his room for him, wash his clothes, don’t make him do any chores.  Don’t make him work for anything….EVER.  When he’s 32-years old, let him live in your basement and spend the day in his drawz smoking weed and playing Xbox.  He’ll get that record deal eventually.

3)      Don’t ever force him to manage his money:  Buy him a lot of really expensive material possessions, like $250 Air Jordans and don’t make him work for any of that money.  If he wrecks the new car you bought him, just buy him another one. Don’t talk to him about saving, investing or being a good provider.  If he wants that 14th tattoo on his neck, go ahead and give it to him.

4)      Congratulate him for being a “playa”:  Let him treat his girlfriends like garbage without your saying a word.  When he tells you that he got a fourth girl pregnant, just congratulate him and agree to watch the kids while his baby mama is at the club.  When the third baby’s mama asks you about the other girls coming to the house, lie for him so as not to blow his cover.  The world is his oyster, and he has a right to sow his oats without any semblance of responsibility.  Oh yea, don’t forget to save money to pay his child support for him so he can be free to make more kids without the burden of those gold digging newborn babies.

5)      Don’t make him get an education:  If he brings home straight Ds on his report card, just remember that he’s the best player on the basketball team.   Go buy him something nice to make him feel better, since those bad grades are going to hurt his self-esteem.

6)      Coddle the living *&^% out of him:  He’s your baby after all, even if he is 6’3”, 250-pounds.   Never throw him out to the wolves, he won’t make it.  Never force him to stand on his own two feet, he might break a toe nail.  He doesn’t have to be a man for anybody, he’ll always be your baby.   If his wife comes around and complains that he’s cheating on her, beating her, or not taking care of his kids, explain to her that he was your man from the very beginning, and he always will be.  They should just leave your baby alone.

Overly sensitive single mothers may take this (admittedly exaggerated) article to be an attack on them. In fact, this article is quite the opposite.  Instead, it is a clarion call for mothers to realize the importance of their role in building a nation.   If we build weak men, then we have weak families.  Weak families lead to weak communities and white America has its foot on our collective neck. I argue that black men should be at the forefront of those fighting to stand strong against oppression, but too many of our men have not been raised to be leaders. 

The mother is the first teacher and the most influential person in the life of nearly any child.  If she becomes so fixated on the high of Oxytocin that comes from the love of a child, she may fall short in her role of shaping that boy to become the leader of someone else’s household.   Had my mother and grandmother failed to do their jobs and not provided a strong male role model for me (since my biological father had other things to do), I wouldn’t be the man that I am today….instead, I would still be my mother’s baby.

Most of us know men who fit into this role, and we must realize that manhood must be taught.  A single mother truly believing that she can raise a boy to be a man is as misguided as my thinking that I can teach my daughters the subtleties of womanhood.  I will never have a v@gina and almost no mother can ever grow a penιs (but that seems to be changing these days).  So, for women who complain about the weak men you may encounter in your own life, do not forget, there is some parent out there who thinks they actually raised that man to be a decent person.

As I mentioned in my article about Allen Iverson (which angered about half a million people), it’s time to put an end to the nonsense and that might mean saying things that people don’t want to hear.  Holler if you hear me, howl if you don’t.  I am fine either way.

Dr. Boyce Watkins is the author of the lecture series, “The 8 Principles of Black Male Empowerment.”  To have Dr. Boyce commentary delivered to your email, please click here.


  1. susan

    November 12, 2013 at 4:58 pm

    I am the mother of two daughters and a son. The kids are 7, 9 and 9. My son gets upset and can’t handle his emotions. He still has to learn. I catch him taking out his emotions on his sisters. This is a recent thing. I think if a parent doesn’t step in at this stage then the boy thinks he can get away with it. It allows him to think women are second class citizens.
    However, I think a bigger role model for a single mother is if she has a revolving door of men in her life. I know being with kids all day long it is nice to have adult conversation. However I don’t think kids should be exposed to every man a mother meets. Let it only be a keeper that gets to meet your kids. Every time a man enters and leaves the mother’s life underlines the fact that their father isn’t there and men can come and go as they please.
    Unfortunately a lot of women do want to have children at a young age and a lot of men don’t see the worth of kids until they are older. Should a woman wait until she finds that older man who will be responsible? Should she also be older? If so will she miss out on having kids due to reduced fertility as she ages?

    • jejee

      November 13, 2013 at 1:43 pm

      Can I also remind women that although it is the ideal situation to have a man in your and your child’s life, if it is not possible do not just go out and grab somebody to be in your child’s life whether to mentor him or become part of your family. It takes time to get to know someone and to find out if this person should be in your child’s life. You should not only know that man but the man’s family and friends. Also, be clear on what qualities you want in a man. A strong man is not the one that beats you. He may not have a fancy car or a whole lot of swagger but if he treats you well and has similar family values he may be a keeper.

      And, although you are not a man, your heart is filled with love for your child. This world is not perfect, don’t let your son or daughter think it is. Use discipline and lot’s of love. And always stress education and make sure your kids are getting the right type of education.
      I knew a wonderful child, very gifted at 4 years old when I met him. His life was taken at 6 because the man his mother chose to make a life with decided to hurt them both. If it wasn’t for a neighbor, she would have died too from the stabbings. She waited so long to have a child (40years old) because she wanted to provide a good life for her child. She had a good job and he went to an exclusive private school.
      I just knew that child was going to be a doctor or something high in society, what a waste but a lesson to learn.

    • Tyrone

      November 28, 2013 at 1:40 pm

      Well the main thing is don’t have the kid before you have made major plans that this man is who will be in your life for a long time. Just dont go have sex and come up pregnant and think about parenthood afterwards.

    • Ed

      January 5, 2014 at 12:07 pm

      “However I don’t think kids should be exposed to every man a mother meets. Let it only be a keeper that gets to meet your kids. Every time a man enters and leaves the mother’s life underlines the fact that their father isn’t there and men can come and go as they please.”


      My mother was a firm believer of this and I didn’t meet my stepfather until they dated for about 2 years.

  2. Read and think!

    November 12, 2013 at 10:39 pm

    Yes, I agree with MOST of this piece. The reason you have a lot of Black men that has NEVER matured/grown UP is because some Black women breast feed the boys until they FIND someone else to take mom place. The man of the house with no money, education, full of drugs, jail and babies they sometimes take care. Maybe he will get them on the weekend but NEVER providing medical , college saving, and show their children a poor example of a Black man. Some women love the brothers that is described above. Sister then have the POWER when it comes to sex, money and she always know where he is located. He will drive her car while she works and show up late and run the streets all nite and creep in when he gets ready. Al ways showing a lack of DISCIPLINE , STRUCTURE and GUIDANCE. Some women love raising there sons to be NOTHING. TIME OUT -change must come because if it don’t SISTERS( not all of you ) don’t you have no one to blame but YOU! Penis don’t buy any pampers.

  3. t_99

    November 13, 2013 at 12:07 am

    This is so true. I have a 28 year old cousin who exemplies the results. His Mom lied to his father (my uncle) and the rest of the family to protect him from the punishments he deserved. When he got expelled from school, it was because he was Black, not because of his bad behavior or D minus average. She lied about him graduating from high school. She even purchased a cake and threw a joint party with another cousin who actually graduated. We all knew it was a lie because she used another relative’s address to enroll him in school and they sent a letter indicating that, at 18, he only had enough credits for the 10th grade. When confronted, she just kept on lying. She lied to get him out of working general contracting jobs with his father, and instead bragged about how many girlfriends he had. She brought him everyting that he has ever wanted, from clothing to cars, tattoos, alcohol and drugs. She even got him a pit bull as a gift when he got out of drug rehab. Now at almost 30, he has no high school diploma or GED, and is not working. Luckily he does not have a criminal record (He is too lazy to commit crimes), but he hasn’t worked for over 5 years. Everyone in the family has tried to help him complete his education or find work, but he won’t return calls, follow up on leads or fill out an application. He won’t even work in businesses that we run. He won’t work odd jobs for family and we offer to pay. Now, he spends his time drinking, smoking and laying on his girlfriend’s couch. It’s so hard to watch my cousin waste his life.

    • LayDiva

      November 13, 2013 at 6:12 am

      Well, I hate to tell you, your uncle couldn’t been too involved with your cousin because if he were, he would have noticed all of that dysfunction, and put a stop to it. Children also model what they SEE. I’m not saying that your cousin’s mother was a great role model, but it’s apparent that BOTH parents did not do their part with him.

      • t_99

        November 13, 2013 at 10:46 am

        You are right about his involvement. Like many men of his generation, he worked hard to provide financially (sometimes 2 to 3 jobs) and expected the wife to be primarily responsible for taking care of things at home, including the kids. My grandfather modelled that behavior for him, and it would have worked IF he married a woman like my grandmother. By the time he saw the dysfunction in his son, my uncle basically unable to stop it because it was too late. The boy was in his teens. It’s taken such a toll on them as a family, that he hardly speaks to his son and has divorced his wife for this and a variety of other issues. Really, I shared my family’s story to just give a real example of what can happen.

      • Tyrone

        November 28, 2013 at 1:44 pm

        @laydiva not neccesarily because to prevent an argument and more family problems most men just let the mother handle the kids

    • peacemaker

      November 28, 2013 at 3:10 am

      He just need motivation, inspiration. What is in his heart?

  4. ambiance86

    November 13, 2013 at 12:19 am

    Great article
    here is #7) stop yelling at your sons(&daughters as well). It sill not make your sons think well of black women when they do become men. It is ignorant, tacky & ghetto!

    • KK

      November 15, 2013 at 6:41 am

      Amen ^^^^

  5. Mino Warrior

    November 13, 2013 at 12:35 am

    How about black men sticking around and raising their children???

    • Smith

      November 13, 2013 at 11:28 am

      You must be a single black mother.

    • KE

      November 16, 2013 at 5:40 pm

      Exactly. Before any comments are made to the single mother about how she is raising THEIR son alone, acknowledge that a father being missing from his life was the first step toward him becoming a sorry azz man. Keep choosing to miss that step because you don’t want to hold the father accountable, and society will continue its downward spiral. Then again, it’s far easier to sit this problem squarely on the shoulders of the single mother.

      • Renee Biswell

        November 27, 2013 at 6:20 am

        This is an important step indeed!

      • Marie

        June 2, 2014 at 11:44 am

        Very true!

    • Max007

      November 16, 2013 at 8:26 pm

      That a good point and I agree but also how about black women making better choices in men.

    • Tyrone

      November 28, 2013 at 2:53 pm

      Very good point!!! Think about that before you get pregnant. Determine the character of the man and not just his sex appeal!!!!!!

  6. john dixon

    November 13, 2013 at 9:05 am


  7. Aleasa

    November 13, 2013 at 9:06 am

    THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU DR. WATKINS FOR THIS!!!! THIS IS EXACTLY WHY I STARTED MY CHAPTERIIFORMEN.COM PROGRAM!!!! These men are so broken because they’ve not accomplished anything and each one has told me they didn’t know certain things were expected of them as adults. Both married and single moms have to step it up as well dads who are absent in and out of the home. Our boys are lost and women complain about these trifling men when we need to take a hard look at how we are raising them. I just had this same conversation at The Black Man Can Institute with a woman on Saturday who kept saying but he’s my baby and I said yes your baby will be some woman’s nightmare if he can’t learn to get out of the baby phase. She got it , didn’t like it but she got it. BRAVO on this piece. Step up family WE ALL NEED TO RAISE BOYS OF VALUE SO THEY CAN BE MEN OF VALUE. Dads in the home stop being absent! Mom’s in the home stop over protecting. Dad’s outside of the home look at your own life and ask if you want your child to grow up that way!

    • Tyrone

      November 28, 2013 at 3:00 pm

      women also need to stop hating the man because he is no longer with her. If the man gets another woman still allow him to be in the child’s life as the father. The man needs to step up and pay his child support as well. If he is unemployed when you get with him and isn’t trying to get a job, that is a very important sign for the woman to consider before she h ave a baby.

  8. David Frank

    November 13, 2013 at 9:22 am

    The problem begins long before the baby is born. And even before the child is conceived. The problem is that the two individuals who decided to have unprotected sex(this does not apply to married couples, and that ‘s the side I am taking because it’s the side that the church should be more vocal about. The Church has stopped chicken dinners from being sold why not put this issue at the top of the list?)before they have a protected relationship is the irresponsible act that everyone wants to bypass to be exonerated from the irresponsible decisions that they made.
    We are 3 times seven and then some, and that is even before many even reach the age of 21 when it comes to laying down after meeting someone at the club, or for knowing them for a brief time, It’s the “I want your body” and “I don’t care if I act responsibly with my sex life” that every person involved wants to keep tucked in the back of the drawer so that we can put on the persona that we are the most responsible that we can be.
    This is the real BS that everyone wants to skip and then go to the name calling of “over coddling mothers”, to”dead beat dads!
    The whole lot of you are full of @%^t,and your selfish acts of irresponsibility never even considered what you all would take these children through.
    Then we go through the 18 year cycle of who gets to call the other the most irresponsible with the state taking the side of making sure that the financial burden doesn’t fall completely on them.
    They don’t care whether the child has both parents in the child’s life, they don’t care if the two irresponsible individuals who were anything but responsible in the very beginning have a working relationship that benefits the child, and in many cases the child mainly disregarding the hate, or extreme hate that has grown between the biological mother and father!
    Even worse, the biological mother and father don’t care enough about the welfare of the child to put aside their disdain for one another , and be willing to sacrifice their personal vendettas to see that the child has both parents functioning for the best interest of the child.
    Then our institutions such as the church, the schools, don’t have the authority, or the interest , or care to make these parents take active roles in that child’s life.
    And the parents of these two irresponsible individuals; well if the two individuals parents were irresponsible the likely hood that their children will follow the same pattern in their pre adult lives or their adult lives.
    When we start claiming the responsibility at the right time maybe then we don’t need to get this far to this same old who wants to do the most name calling, and act the most righteous. Maybe, we haven’t read the Bible correctly but the little sin that is less than the big sin all look the same to God! So, if the mother, and the dad want to play the “I’m most right” after they both acted the most wrong then go ahead . It’s only the welfare of the child that gets cast aside. And were fighting over who should be declared the winner while we look way past who is the absolute loser here. How proud we should really feel!

    • Max007

      November 16, 2013 at 8:29 pm

      Black America is going to hell faster than a speeding bullet. A lot of this crap can’t be blamed on whites.

      • Tyrone

        November 28, 2013 at 3:17 pm

        @Max007 you mean America is going to H**l faster than a speeding bullet.White America has all of the same problems that black america has, if not more. Black folk are the ones it is exposed on. Everything rather it is good or bad is more prevalent in the white community. For example, drug addiction, folk on food stamp, children out of wedlock and the list goes on. Just like all the other great nations that fell. Greece, Ancient Egypt, Rome etc.

  9. Mackj

    November 13, 2013 at 10:20 am

    Most black woman still refer to their older children as my baby instead of saying my son or my daughter.a lot of them uses this phrase my baby because mentally they are afraid of them becoming adults and don’t know how to handle them becoming adults so therefore they don’t use the nourturing and guidance to mold them into becoming responsible they want to look at that child as always being a baby because it’s much easier to handle and control when it’s just a baby.and they don’t train their minds to handle the actions of a child growing deep down inside they’re wishing they were still a baby.

  10. Insomemaze

    November 13, 2013 at 10:30 am

    There is a wonderful video being played on Youtube entitled The BlackMan(State of Emergency). It’s being used by mentoring groups around the country. It’s a guide on how Black Men and Boys should conduct themselves at home as well as in society. Everybody in the African diaspora should listen to this video on a daily basis. Peace!

  11. Denise

    November 13, 2013 at 10:39 am

    Dr. Watkins, You are a beast!

    “A lot of people are not going to like what I have to say, but let me start by saying this: I really don’t give a &*^%.”

    I could not have said it any better – classic – just classic Watkins style! One love,


  12. Sasha

    November 13, 2013 at 11:16 am

    BRAVO!! I know too many sorry young men who have been given a pass by a parent and they’re not all from single-mother homes. When anyone is raised in a home with no foundation or rules, you get sorry children PERIOD. It happens in two parent homes too.

  13. R.C.

    November 13, 2013 at 11:52 am

    My ex-husband was #1, #2 & #6 and get this………..he came from a two-parent household. His parents were married for over 30 years until his father passed several years ago.

    All the above for maybe except #3 applied to another guy I know and he too came from a two parent household with several siblings and his parents have been married for over 50 years. Of course he finally found him some act right later in life and got it together but 30 years ago you couldn’t tell him sh*t!.

    Just about every guy I know or were involved with came from two parent households and some of the things on this list applied to them. The few that did come from a single mother was just the opposite of this list and have become productive members of society. So I have to agree with Robin Casey, this applies to ALL PARENTS, not just to the “few” single mothers.

  14. Jamizzi

    November 13, 2013 at 11:53 am

    This article is totally anti-black.

    • Akbar

      November 14, 2013 at 8:29 pm


  15. sungod

    November 13, 2013 at 1:32 pm

    If mothers teach their gurls to NOT have unprotected sex with BOYS(because the boy can’t make her have it) this would not b a problem then we could work on other issues like how to stop other ppl from benefiting off of us.

  16. Clarice

    November 13, 2013 at 2:26 pm

    I want to holler my thanks for the topic and some of the relevant responses that put emphasis on all parents to teach children,early on, How to Learn to Lead themselves.

  17. Amazing Grace

    November 13, 2013 at 5:06 pm

    HOLLA, Dr. Boyce HOLLA!! 🙂 😀

  18. Rick Shaw

    November 13, 2013 at 5:36 pm

    I agree whole-heartedly with the article. What most people fail to realize is that the article is discussing what happens after the choice to become a parent, single or otherwise, not who’s fault it is. Because that would go back to a “chicken or the egg” argument. No matter how it plays out, it all comes down to the choices we make. The cycle of shame will continue until men, raised to be a man or not, stop sleeping with women just because “she fine” or “I’m gonna get that”, and women stop giving it up to “losers” that you already know aren’t going to stick around, instead of dating that “reliable” guy that you may find less attractive. Until we as people begin raising our children at home instead of letting TV and the streets do it, societies downward slide will continue unchecked.

  19. Lovelle

    November 13, 2013 at 6:50 pm

    I thank God that he gave me my son at age 36, my son is going on 2 now. His father lives in Florida but we communicate and I give him access to his son. I have had other men to try to head my household but I am funny about who I give control to. Its important for me to notlet men run in and out of my life. I don’t want him to be confused about who his father is. I don’t have any regrets about his birth since I tried marriage twice and neither marriage produced happiness or children. My sons father is actually my highschool sweetheart from 17 years ago. As for disciplining my son. I don’t feel at all that I can raise a boy to be a man. But I spent almost 10 years in the Air Force and I have plenty of discipline in me to share with my son. Then when he is of age, his dad can do the rest

  20. DebNBrooklyn

    November 13, 2013 at 6:56 pm

    Perhaps the term “single mother” should be replaced by “father absent.” And for sure, some dregs of the earth have come from 2 parents homes as well. Why have black males joined this campaign against black women?

  21. TONY

    November 13, 2013 at 9:22 pm

    I often say the same thing about this very subject. Stop raising boys and there just may be some good black men to choose from for a good black woman. But this also goes for the black little girsl in the world. Ladies are not being raised in the black community as much as they should be. There are the exception but it is truly sad that black boys are being robbed because they are being loved too much. Hmmm…

  22. Dr. J

    November 14, 2013 at 12:51 am

    I can not wait to share this with my office manager. Today, she decided to give me, her boss, some constructive criticism:
    “Doc you have no patience with your kids when you are teaching them oral hygiene. You don’t yell, but you raise your voice a little and get very firm and that may scare them. Maybe you need to hire a hygienist with some patience and milder voice”
    Now, this is a single black mother with two sons a 19yo and 13yo. The 19yo has never kept a job over 2 days she bought him a car that he wrecked and his sorry uncle helped him get another one. He never comes home before 3-4am, never helps her with the younger brother who is ADHD. She is recently diagnosed diabetic and doesn’t realized eating bread and chips is just like eating sugar, so she has crisis on a regular basis. The 13yo is traumatized by watching her collapse with diabetic seizures home alone. Then she really over compromises to make up for this by letting him get away with anything. He can not stay home alone 1 hour alone at 13 years old! She has to make sure he doesn’t miss the bus to school, because his 19yo brother will not take him or may not even be home. So I allow her to come to work 2 hours late daily to make sure this child is in school. She is raising the sorriest 2 black men I have ever seen.
    I practice as a dental hygienist 10 years and a General Dentist for last 22 years. I have 12 years of college, 4 degrees, and a successful private practice. That is not enough though to earn the same respect she gave to her previous white male boss whom paid her less, with less benefits and definitely no consideration for her time for her sons. She would have never said to him “you have no patience, you scare the kids”. When 99.9% of black men over 30yo have some form of gum disease because they will not brush and FLOSS their teeth, nor will they see a dentist every six months, I DON’T PLAY. I have PASSION in my voice, not anger or yelling. I have loss at least 10 friends under 50yo because of bad dental infections!!! YES, DEAD, your mouth is connected to your body. Infected gums or teeth can spread to your brain, heart, lungs, etc. Everyday I deal with these single black mothers, upset because I “raised” my voice at their little angels about how filthy there mouth is and the excuses the moms makeup for them. Got electric toothbrushes and too lazy to put them in their mouth. Then they go out and get them a tongue ring or a lip piercing for a birthday present. UN-F#?KING BELIEVABLE. Bacteria ridden mouth plus open lesion equals bad infection, usually resistant to antibiotics. Oh, and don’t forget to save up for the crowns they will need when the tongue ring chips their teeth. This usually happens in your sleep so you may want to at least consider removing them before bed, but if they don’t brush before bed they sure aren’t going to remove a tongue ring. Oh, not to worry, mom will pay for that $1200 crown I will need or I will just have it pulled. I don’t need it to smile pretty, it’s in the back. I can swallow my food in large chunks, maybe I want chock. It will only lead to digestive issues or worse colon cancer later.
    So, no, I don’t need a meely mouth dental hygienist that has no passion for teaching young black boys to be responsible for their own hygiene. They need to know how serious this is and that this can lead to serious illness and death.

  23. Kiesha Makins

    November 14, 2013 at 7:57 am


  24. Barbara Dennis

    November 14, 2013 at 9:46 am

    Wow! He is really Dam-edged, sounds like his “seed recipient” did an excellent job on raising a Grade A BB, Full Blown and Still Blowing.
    Now run and tell that to “Your Therapist”. Then when you have did a complete study on our history and its ongoing Selective Destruction of our males, including some of the latest movies. You might have a different perception, also you must remember that females need Fathers too.

  25. Joanna Villalongo

    November 14, 2013 at 11:54 am

    I have to say. While some comments on here are accurate,(blame the father as well) the fact of the matter is, this article is the absolute truth! To Dr. J, I hear you! My daughter’s dentist was getting extremely firm with a family when I was there about the same thing. He has seen 27 children near death because of bad oral hygiene. But I digress, I am a single mother of 2 children an 18 year old son and a 12 year old daughter but I will focus on my son only for the sake of this article. Since my son was a child, I have raised him alone. The relationship with his father was extremely toxic and I had to get out so my son would not repeat the pattern of abuse that his father began. From the time he could comprehend and communicate I have taught him about choices and consequences, the importance of earning his own money, (even today, they only get spoiled on their birthdays and Christmas. Everything else, they work for.) I have taught him the importance of borrowing money. If he borrows money from me, he may not borrow again, until he pays back the first loan. I have taught him the importance of establishing good credit and maintaining it. I am in no way saying this was easy because it wasn’t! My son was ADHD and the teachers tried to get me to medicate him as a child, by his teen years, he was trying to establish independence and I wasn’t having that. He was to account every moment of his time away from home if he was gone too long. There were no sleepovers if I didn’t meet the parents first and absolutely no girlfriends. But most importantly, I taught my son how to have his own relationship with God. I caught a lot of flack from my family members. They told me I was too strict. I made it very clear that I wasn’t going to be my child’s friend until he was an adult! Until then, I am his parent and parenting is what I was doing. I checked homework, report cards, met with teachers and principals. I made it crystal clear if I ever caught him sagging his pants, i would choke him with the belt he was supposed to be wearing! I understood that I was not the only voice in my son’s ear, but I tried my very best to be the loudest! Today, my son is 18, a high school graduate, he is proud that he is completely pure, (never even kissed a girl) and he is enlisted in the United States Marine Corps. People always say a woman can’t raise a man. With a LOT of God’s help, I am proud to have proven those people wrong. It’s possible. Hard but possible.

  26. Meghann

    November 14, 2013 at 6:52 pm

    It is so sad that so many women of color are having so many children outside of marriage. I still believe it takes a male to teach and guide a male. I know a lot of men of color or in jail, out of work etc., but there are still a lot of good men out there for young women.

  27. DoverDavisJr

    November 14, 2013 at 10:11 pm

    This is bad advice. First it is sexist. What about the females? Just blame the males. Secondly, it is stupid. The goal is not to raise a man or a woman but to raise a “God fearing human being”.

    What about the soul and the mind? Any parent, male or female, can raise a child if unconditional love, kindness, support,virtue and God are elements in the rearing.

    This article is an example as to the damaging impact of emotional reasoning dipped ignorance. But, sadly somebody will believe what this person is suggesting and incorporate this nonsense in his or her belief system regarding child rearing.

  28. Larry

    November 14, 2013 at 11:18 pm

    Great article. The first thing that happened was some women got offended and said “what about the men”? what about the men? Well he IS talking about the men. Those sorry boys he is referring to ARE the irresponsible men. It is perpetual. A boy can never raise a man. The solutions are out there. Most are listed in the article and the rest are available. There are plenty of groups and situations you can involve your child in for male mentor-ship. No–is not an acceptable answer. NO is your best developmental tool. No you can’t have it without work. No you can’t go without good grades.

  29. Angela

    November 15, 2013 at 2:22 am

    As a mother of two young men 27 and 24, i would have to agree with this article. How can you teach what you don’t know. During my childhood children didn’t get in grown folks business. The basic things like save money, pay bills, credit etc wasn’t taught . So you do the best you can learn ago the way. when you know better you do better. I made a lot of mistakes ago the way. I can say my young men will make wonderful husband’s and father’s one day.

  30. craig garner

    November 15, 2013 at 9:05 am

    Dr. Watkins,
    Placing all of these negative stereotypes in the affirmative context does little to explain why it is happening and what can be done about it. When a mother spoils her child it is usually out of some guilt feeling she has about herself for not allowing the boys father to stay in her life. It is an overreaction but nevertheless something that allows her to feel good about herself. Some women want company or a friend that is dependent on them even if it has to be their child. And some are so busy working and trying to make a living that they don’t have the tine or make the time to teach their children. They come home from work and are so tired all they can do is put the supper on, wash the dishes and then fall out on the couch. I’m not making excuses for them but this is a reality of todays working women. The price of working outside the house is that inside the house begins to go astray unless you work really hard at it. What we need is a cultural awakening that will allow us to define a better male/female/child relationship in an afro-centric context. We will have to destroy our western mindset and learn to do the type of things that are beneficial to us as a people. It all begins with self respect and knowing your history. You can’t teach your child what you don’t know. WE have to bring our grandparents back into the child raising equation and demand that the children respect them. We have to teach the children what to eat, when to eat, when to have sex, what to do about rejection and some much more.

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  32. Devon

    November 18, 2013 at 12:30 am

    So again we ignore the big ass pink elephant in the room. Let’s keep this sheit real, black women treat their coochie like a dayum TRASH CAN, YEAH I SAID IT! Too many black women treat their coochie like a garbage can, any old nucca can just dump up in it. You got baby mamas out here with three four five six or more kids and I guarantee most of these bastard kids got more than one baby daddy. Black women can’t keep their dayum legs closed and that sheit is a bad reflection on women like me with NO kids but I got people asking me outright how many kids I got and when I say NONE I get looked at like I have two f*cking heads. If these females got no problem with deadbeat mofos dumping all up in them whatever but can they at least use some dayum birth control?? If these women wanna f*ck anything with a dyck that’s their business but why do they leave a trail of evidence (OOW babies) of their promicuous ways? Is it too hard to go to the clinic or doctor and let a doc put them on some birth control? And yeah I put the blame 100% on black women. Men approach and women choose these losers then wanna whine about how these nuccas ain’t sheit when they knew dayum well when they met the nucca in the club and took his azzz home or f*cked him in the toilet of the club or in the corner of the club, that he wasn’t shit. Men gonna always try to f*ck it is what it is. Black women gonna have to get back to having some class about themselves and valuing their bodies and start saying no to trifling dyck. And whats gonna happen when all these bastard kids from trifling mommas thats been impregnated by all these trifling nuccas that don’t know their daddies because you know they ain’t sticking around…all these kids start hooking up with what will turn out to be their HALF BROTHERS AND SISTERS, because you know these nasty broads don’t even have the good sense to hop on a bus or plane or train and hook up with nuccas in another city or state, they all doing this sheit in the hood they live in. So yeah some half brothers and sister will pick up where their trifling parents left off and will be f*cking each other. And nobody better come in here telling me I’m wrong or lying, ’cause the numbers don’t lie. 72% of black kids born out of wedlock to single mother homes without a man in sight. Decent brothas who got it going on ain’t checking for these nasty chicks, and decent sistas ain’t checking for the nasty ass nuccas that’s fucking these nasty chicks. Dr. Watkins knows dayum well these females aren’t trying to hear what he’s saying they didn’t even care enough to make sure their kids were born in the security of a two parent home so why would they listen now? Ask a black women why they keep opening their legs to random nuccas who only wanna dump all up in them and keep having these bastard kids by them when they knew the dudes wasn’t sheit, her answer is some dumb sheit like “it take two to tango”. Naw she didn’t tango with random dudes, she f*cked random dudes, pushed out their offspring, and NOW she wants to play victim. Black women are promiscuous and on top of that the WORST caretakers of black kids. If that wasn’t true then WHY did Dr. Watkins write that piece and WHY do these females think so low of themselves that they let these dudes treat their body like seminal waste dumps. And not one female better come in here talking sheit about it ain’t all of us, I didn’t say it was ALL I know it’s not ALL, but if you run up in here with that mess I’ma cuss you out. The decent black women who aren’t part of the problem yall need to stop claiming these hoodrats and project hose as sistas, they aren’t MY sistas. The coochies of some of these nasty females must be busted, yall know they don’t go to the GYN, must look like toxic waste dumps up in there. They are an embarrassment to decent sistas who respect their own bodies and care enough about their unborn to give them the BEST start in life….a dayum husband for themselves and a daddy for the kids. I’m 25 years old, been with the SAME dayum man for six years, do I have a trail of OOW kids behind me, hell no. No babies until I get that piece of paper and the ring. This sheit is the MAIN reason why the black community is crumbling because these chick keep pushing out male kids with no decent black father to teach ’em to be men and they’re pushing out female kids with no decent black father to protect and nuture them and show by example by loving up their mamas, how a man is supposed to treat a woman, so they follow in their mamas footsteps and let these weak punk azz dudes treat THEIR coochies like trash cans. Rant over.

    • Clint

      January 5, 2014 at 11:37 pm

      Thank you, bless you

    • Robin

      January 19, 2014 at 10:40 pm

      I’m sorry, but how many surveys have you handed out to make a generalization about Black women? Your small mindedness and ignorant use of the English language lead me to believe you 1. Know a lot of trifling females or 2. Have resentment towards Black Women. I was raised by a single mother. I turned out just fine. I have a graduate degree and am great mother to my son and awesome wife to my husband. We are raising a outstanding son. I know many single Black women who take care of their children on the highest level. They send them to great schools, they involve them in extracurricular activities, they prepare them healthy meals, teach them about our Creator,etc. Where do you live, somewhere in the projects or something? Your comments are poisonous and do nothing but insult our intelligence in this forum. Do better next time sweetie!

    • Elem

      March 9, 2014 at 3:20 pm

      I agree. Most people in the comment section are irresponsible females, covering for each other.

  33. Devon

    November 18, 2013 at 12:32 am

    @sungod – how the hell their mamas gonna teach their daughters to use birth control when the MAMAS didn’t use birth control that’s like the blind leading the dayum blind.

  34. Devon

    November 18, 2013 at 12:38 am

    @ Mino Warrior – there are good brothas out here thats married to their kids mother and they take care of their family. You asking deadbeats and trifling nuccas to step up??? That’s the point of why they dipped, because they’re trifling. Better question is why don’t black women make better choices in the dudes they pick to father their kids, sorry but they gonna have to take one for the team. Black women are CHOOSING TO LAY UP with dudes that don’t give a dayum about them and they KNOW this, but they think a baby or babies is gonna make the dude love her. When a dude is only interested in f*cking a female that’s all thats on his mind is his dyck getting wet, he has no love for the female. When black women stop laying up with men that don’t love and respect them, when they start acting like ladies instead of trying to f*ck like dudes, then maybe they’ll attract better men. Water seeks its own level and trash begets trash.

  35. Devon

    November 18, 2013 at 12:55 am

    @ Craig Garner – you don’t know why it’s happening, really? I know why it’s happening. 1)birth control isn’t being used 2)promiscuity, the females don’t respect themselves or their body 3) trifling dudes aren’t using condoms. The problem in the black community is many of keep dancing around the REAL issues for fear of OFFENDING THE OFFENDERS. All that psychological BS is just that, BS and this is not throwback to slavery like black people love to claim, in fact blaming this mess on slavery is an insult to the legacy. Some black men and women have the morals of an alley cat in heat and dont care about the kids that get pushed out and become part of the degradation and dysfunction in the black community. That’s whats up. When we start calling out these women and men, and stop coddling them and call them on their BS they might straighten up but as long as there are people like you who IGNORE the real reasons I pointed out, nothing will get better.

  36. Ms Kmac

    November 18, 2013 at 2:50 pm

    I am a single mother that has raised a son alone. His father choose not to be in his life. Im not going to make any excuses for our lives to this point. He is an athlete that is now in his first year of college. My suggestion to single mothers is to first remember that he is not your husband or boyfriend, You cannot use him to fill a void. Don’t wrap your whole life around him. Find good role models for him. My son played at least 2 sports every year. I choose coaches that were family men, working men and men that would help him build good character. These coaches stayed in his life from 6 yrs to his graduated from highschool. I also learned as much about football, baseball, basketball and wrestling as I could so that I could bond with my son over theses sports. get your sons a membership to the NAACP and have him help you volunteer to help others. I am not a perfect parent but I did my best with what I had. Mothers you will make a lot a mistakes I did, but pick yourself up an keep trying never give up on yourself or your son.

  37. Blackeye

    November 18, 2013 at 7:57 pm

    Thanks Doc. This is 100% true the 1-6. On the mommas taking oxi that can’t afford that shit. It’s more like the crack cocaine will get them. Ever heard of crack babies?

  38. Devon

    November 19, 2013 at 2:51 am

    @Jamizzi – it’s not anti-black it’s anti-promiscuity, ant-discounting of black husbands and fathers and anti-ignorance.

  39. senci

    November 22, 2013 at 2:19 pm

    I am a little confused by these responses. The article is clearly outlining how to raise a deadbeat in the instances where a female is in the predicament of being a single mother. Nowhere does it state, it’s okay to be a single mother, or that it’s okay for a father to not be a man and walk out on his kids. Reading is fundamental, but comprehension is golden. Speaking as a single mother myself, I find the article to be brilliantly written.

  40. Valerie Cyrus

    November 24, 2013 at 10:27 am

    The people who need to read this will not and for those single mothers who are on our jobs this is just annoying. I am always annoyed by Dr. Boyce’s comments. I would only blame myself if my children don’t grow up to be productive adults. As a single mother I have gone above and beyond for my children only because that’s how I was taught by my mother who had a husband the father of all four of her children. A mother’s job is to love and nurture. When you pile all these other duties on her like teaching a boy how to be a man, teaching him financial responsibility,handling her own finances and running a household, something is going to slip through the cracks. Please for once give a Black woman a break we have raised some incredible men. Can we start focusing on positive results? What should we do in order to raise great men?

  41. Renee Biswell

    November 27, 2013 at 5:56 am

    So these children just appeared out of nowhere, or maybe the Stork brought them? My point is Doc here puts ALL of the responsibility on mom as if she just spoke these children into being. Two people made the child so TWO people bear the responsibility of raising the child. Here is #7 if you are the other factor in the parent equation, step up and handle your responsibilities and stop reading this nonsense.

  42. Mrs.H

    November 29, 2013 at 8:39 am

    This whole blame game needs to stop. How can you try to teach kids boys girls men or women to be accountable but look for someone to blame as to why they are not model adults. I grew up with a single mother 4 siblings I have twin I am the youngest. We were raised the same and turned out differently. All of us have, but whatever life we live now is a matter of choice. The fact is you will never get to a final person to blame it is one big cycle that quite frankly every single one of us are responsible for because we haven’t made the choice to somewhere along the line say enough is enough. If you have than Kudos to you for making the first bit of difference. My mother did the BEST she could. She kept us sheltered clothed and food at any expense she is still my biggest hero. But I missed the sex conversations, the lesson on men and everything else as a girl even with a mother because she was working her ass off to do those things for us. Yet I’m the first of her children to graduate and I am married and having my first child because I chose not to let everything my family was be what I am but I love them still and blame no one for how I could have possibly turned out. And never look at my siblings for being different from me because everyone is impacted and grows differently. Please recognize the negatives of our communities have been built on for generations and it will take just as long to return it back to it’s glory when blacks were taken seriously and fear for the right reasons like being educated not violent. Stop blaming and just do your part to change it.

  43. Valerie Salter

    November 29, 2013 at 3:06 pm

    Thank you so much for your article! I find this to be true for all parents. As a teacher, I have seen all of these situations across the board with my students no matter the race or parenting situation.

    Good parenting is a very difficult job. It takes being your child’s parent, not their friend. It seems that the vast majority of parents today are not aware of these simple truths.

    Thank you for pointing out the devastation that this type of parenting is having on our society!!! The basic unit of society is the family. If this basic unit is weak or non-existent, our society as a whole suffers A LOT! I have been screaming this to everyone who listens since I’ve become an educator. You can’t fix the effectiveness of education until we repair our families in the United States. It is not an education problem, it is a societal problem.

  44. Obat Lepra Yang Herbal

    November 30, 2013 at 10:36 pm

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  45. staciegyrl

    December 3, 2013 at 2:43 pm

    Although both parents are equally responsible for the way they raise their children, this article focused on the single mother’s role. And that’s ok. There are other articles out there that take a different focus. So please people, let’s stop going ” ham” on every author ( I read a lot of comments to articles) who doesn’t write from the perspective that we wish. If you don’t like the angle, then either stop reading or….write your own!!


    December 4, 2013 at 11:53 am

    I agree with the Doctor in her assessment. Too many black women are having far too many children with men that they know are sorry/bums. These men aren’t taking care of their children by other women and then these women have a child or children by the same bum. Now, when this man doesn’t take care of her children then he’s deemed to be a no good S.O.B. These women that picked bum men to be fathers are now are attempting to raise boys. The mothers cuddle their sons and condone their inappropriate behaviors. These boys become weak men with their mothers still advocating for them and upholding them in their dirt.
    Yes, the proof is in the Prisons, Criminal Behavior, Drug addiction, Lack of Education, etc. The boys in the inner city are mostly fending for themselves. The mothers are too busy going to the bars/clubs, getting their hair & nail done, trying to find a man or gossiping on some social network site. These women first need to have some self-pride and stop having babies that they don’t need, can’t afford and are not raising properly.

  47. bigpoppa

    December 7, 2013 at 4:48 pm

    The article is very accurate in its account of a very serious problem that we are living and experience on a daily basis. The caveat is that though we want to initially place blame on someone we must understand that all people are not the same. That male child may never be motivated to be successful if the right stimulus is not applied. You may never find what will motivate the 32 year old X box scratching his balls burden. So put him out and let him sink or swim lol. Actually you have to be inflexible and determined in your resolve that certain things are required in order to live here. Parents are responsible regardless of singular or dual parents. You must take time with your child and know the child. Bottom line. It’s your fault.

  48. Corbin

    March 9, 2014 at 2:53 pm

    Hmmm…It doesn’t take much does it??

  49. s'ann

    March 9, 2014 at 5:42 pm

    Recylcing stories Dr. Boyce? Well, if I didn’t comment on it in November 2013, I take this opportunity to do so. While I agree with your numbered comments, the FATHER AND MOTHER ARE THE FIRST TEACHERS AND INFLUENTICIAL PERSONS IN THEIR LIVES. NOT JUST THE MOTHER. Don’t blame the child and his mother, blame his absent father!!!!!

  50. James A. Gooch

    March 9, 2014 at 7:25 pm

    Yes Dr. Boyce,

    I call these men Girly men, which means they have no responsibility at all and hedge on being attracted to other men or homo”s. You did not want to blame these women but I will. This is not helping our negro people. The women love their sons as if they take the place of their lovers especially if the man is dead or gone out of their lives. I think we can do better as a people. We men who want to be responsible should look after these single women in whatever way possible. I do not have any answers. We need to continue to discuss the problems and help in whatever way possible.

  51. James A. Gooch

    March 9, 2014 at 7:32 pm

    Mothers do not love your sons too much.


    March 9, 2014 at 8:50 pm

    The article in itself speaks truth in volumes, but what I noticed is many women are taking offense to common sense and are quickly to mention the absent fathers, not realizing that THEY are the ones who picked them in the first place. It was not like they were really good men in the first place and than became bums, they were that same way when you met them you just chose to ignore those tell-tell signs. Riding on that thought what about the women who went in on the baby thing in order to keep that same man and when it did not work out and they got another woman they had the audacity to bad mouth the man and keep him from seeing his child.

    Now a part that is not mentioned is when men neglect their daughters (this burns me up personally). These are the same women that are having qall of these multiple kids by different men looking for the love that daddy never gave them. This leads to them having a child to replace the man, who replaced the father who never loved them and thus kept their sons in perpetual child state. BROTHERS PROTECT YOUR DAUGTHERS! Just remember the next time that you go to the strip club that could be your daughter swinging on that pole.

    Very few people (especially white intellectual finger pointers and women) rarely mention, and that is the single fathers who raise their children or even how hard that it is to get custody of them regardless how reckless their mother’s lives may be. I’m not talking from the pulpit or from a podium either, this is from my own personal experience. I raised a healthy man of 24, with no children, criminal record and is actually working and going to school. I met my wife 8 years later who had a son from a previous marriage and continued to instill the same values into her son (now 21) which was easy because she and I had the same thoughts on how a child should be raised. My step-son just like his brother, has no children, criminal record and is in college doing quite well.

    I say all of this in order to let you all know that this finger pointing goes in full circle. Bad parenting equals screwed up kids which turns out really messed up adults and dysfunctional communities

  53. Siyana

    June 15, 2014 at 11:03 pm

    All black women: get married, travel all over the world with your husband, have a ton of fun – for three years – and then have children.

  54. JE

    September 2, 2014 at 1:24 pm

    This article is so ghetto.

  55. Gloria Hawkins

    October 3, 2014 at 8:40 pm

    An excellent article!

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