Nomalanga: Can’t Find a Man? He May Be Right Under Your Nose
By Nomalanga Mhlauli-Moses
Many women complain that finding the right partner is a challenge. Some women feel that it is so hard that they just give up. Other women feel like when they do meet men, they fall short of their standards and feel like in order to be in a relationship, they have to settle.
Kevin Carr, a contributor at Essence Magazine, contends that sometimes a possible life partner could be right under your nose. He says,
“We do ourselves a disservice by attempting to make love fit our own agenda. Be flexible. It isn’t about lowering your standards. It’s about increasing your awareness.”
Here are a list of 10 men that could be right under your nose:
The Nice Guy
Ever heard of the saying, “nice guys finish last?” Well it seems that sometimes when women feel a guy is too nice they automatically dismiss him as a possible mate. Give the nice guy a chance.
The Friend
Just because someone is your friend, it does not mean that he can’t be “more”. Some of the most successful marriages start out as friendships. A friend is someone who knows everything about you and still loves you. That sounds like a great start to a great relationship. Don’t dismiss someone just because you were too quick to throw him in the “just friends” pile.
Didn’t go to or didn’t finish college
Many women will not even consider a man who does not have a college degree but there are many men who don’t have degrees and could make wonderful partners. We can’t define a whole person by just looking at whether or not they have a degree. There is more to a man than a degree. If having a degree is what you look for, then you may be shutting the door to many possibilities.
He has an old car (or no car)
Because we live in a time when getting the newest or latest of everything, sometimes a guy who shows up in an old car can get dismissed. Maybe he doesn’t even have a car. Consider that he may be driving that old car because he is saving his money for something more important, like going back to school or buying a house. Maybe he doesn’t have a car because it’s just easier to take the train. Don’t miss out on a possible mate just because you’re hung up on his car or his lack of one.
The Single Father
Dating a single father is actually a great way to see how a man relates to his children before you have children with him. Also, consider that a man who takes on parenting by himself could potentially be a real winner. Don’t dismiss him, spend time with him and find out what he’s really about.
The non-Black guy
Dating a guy from another race or culture does not make you a sell out- it; just makes you a woman who is open to possibilities. Don’t dismiss a guy just because he is not Black. When you start to explore and date beyond your own comfort zone, you broaden your dating pool and you may just be pleasantly surprised.
The older guy (or younger guy)
Expanding the age window to include guys who are a little older can open the door to more possibilities for you. The same applies to being open to someone who may be a little younger. If you take your focus away from a man’s age and pay attention to his level of maturity, you may find that age was a barrier you were using to block out some great men.
Mr. Sensitive
Just because a man is in touch with his emotions, it doesn’t mean you should back away from him. If he is in touch with his own feelings, it is likely that he will also be sensitive to yours. How often do we hear women complaining that some men are insensitive? A lot! Maybe if you are open to Mr. Sensitive, you will never have that particular complaint.
The Plain Guy
You may meet a guy who leads a very uneventful life. He has a good job with benefits and he doesn’t really get out much. Some may say he doesn’t have “swag” or that he is not “cool”. You decide: Is it better to have a great guy,who may seem boring to some people, or is it better to be with a flashy guy with swagger and….not much else?
The Blue Collar Man
He doesn’t wear a suit to work. Actually, he is more likely to wear over-alls. Guess what, some “blue collar” men make more money than the “white collar” guys and even if he doesn’t, is money the only thing you’re looking for? Give Mr. Blue collar an opportunity to show you whether or not he’s the one.
Nomalanga helps Black Women thrive in their lives and careers. She is a Social Commentator, an Editor at Your Black World , Assistant Professor of Professional Studies and the reigning Mrs Botswana. Visit Nomalanga’s blog at successfulblackwoman.com
and what if NONE of those men ever seem to notice you or ask you out, or if they turn you down if you ask them out, then what good is it? That’s been my experience. I’ve been dateless for more than two years. Go ahead, tell me it’s my attitude or whatever, but that’s just c**p! The cold hard reality is that once you get past 50, it is difficult to find a man…and the men mostly want younger women! Unless you look like Demi Moore or Hallie Berry in middle age, men just look through you like you’re not even there…and why should I jump through a gazillion hoops and change myself just to have the dubious privilege of saying “i have someone?” Some people aren’t meant to be with anyone, they’re meant to be single… and the sooner they figure that out and move on to something more productive, the better for them.
Sabrina…do you like sports? Have you ever participated in a sport. Men love when a woman can share his interests in sports. Learn a sport, if possible partake in one. Now I don’t expect you to join a semi-pro football team. However, there is softball, cycling and bowling.
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She doesn’t want that guy right under her nose. That is why he is under her nose. She will want him when it is too late, or when he doesn’t want her at all. That is why she can’t find a man. And that is why he is under her nose. She wants someone else. How can she be with a guy she doesn’t want? There is no easy solution for this dilemna. That is why it stays a dilemna forever.
Bravo
Women have been socially conditioned in this society to believe that the measureof a man is a “paycheck” or degrees or status. At the end of the day does he make you laugh? Does he suppoort you? Does he make you feel like he can’t live without you? What you want in a relationship is a partner. Things like money and status can always be achieved if that is what you want in life. However true love is very hard to find as are true friends.
WHOOTY RULES….case close
My wife is 4 yrs older than myself. When we married I was a security guard and she was a Dr. (same hospital) ….. 20 yrs and many great laughs plus 1000′s of hot steamy nights and days later. We’ve had 3 vow renewals and 2 of the best most well adjusted kids. She’s still a Dr. And now I own one of the largest and fastest growing ebay stores ever ($790,000 last year and growing) in its short history. She saw my potential and said if I remained a security guard it wouldn’t have mattered one bit ( I only started my ebay store 5 yrs ago) because I was what she prayed for and needed in her life. A man to love her fully and truly without hang ups only a big heart never mind a big paycheck. Flowers good laughs and my honesty won her over. Some of her friends scoffed at us at first but now all are either divorced and lonely or never found happiness. Two however have married friends of mine and we’re all living similar lives (Coincidence I’d guess) If your reading this you can have the same. My wife just said to tell you all Hello for her, she’s on call tonight. I’m still loving and growing with MY WOMAN in Frisco.
Mr J,
God bless you and your wife. Sounds to be like she is a very “sage” woman. Many people just don’t give a man’s potential any consideration at all. People should stop trying to take the easy way out and rather than waiting for someone to give them the life they desire, they should be willing to put some skin in the came and work towards it as a loving and supportive couple.
Mr. J, you have a real woman! GOD blesses you and your family. There a few out there, quoting Bravo, “Women have been socially conditioned in this society to believe that the measure of a man is a “paycheck” or degrees or status”…my cousin receive flak from her fellow Dr. friend who has no serious relationship for dating a man who is not a doctor. Her answer, “I did not go to school to become a dr. to just date a dr. I just want a man that is decent and treat me nice.” I love my cousin for this!
Wow I was married for 18 years and have been divorced for 21 months and I realize that I had to start thinking out of the box when it came to dating. I have met some wonderful men, but have noticed a lot of selfishness which turns me off. I’ve dated older, heavier, shorter, etc I’m still dating since I’m just getting started again, I’d rather date until I find that perfect match me and my daughters, not looking for perfection because I have faults.
george you wrong for that ,the sisters did not catch it. i did though lol they too are saying he let me check out this black man. young and old outside the deep south states are doing it everyday.ladies google “whooty”
As an educated professional black male, the most important lesson that I have learned is just how really dumb most women really are.
With all the e-mails, radio shows, tv shows, and books on why black women have so much trouble with men, they still don’t get. Meanwhile, it is obvious that white women, hispanic women, and asian women get it.
Finally, never fell sorry for a sistah’ who has man problems. She picked him and she is determined to stay with him.
“With all the e-mails, radio shows, tv shows, and books on why black women have so much trouble with men, they still don’t get. Meanwhile, it is obvious that white women, hispanic women, and asian women get it…”
Anonymous, most black women will never get it. The media (white man) has done a wonderful job on us. Their plan is so good they have to do very little to keep it going. We (black folks) got it from here on.
1. Black people are the only race that did not come to the USA by choice. Therefore we did not come with a plan or any unity.
2. We were brought here under the guise of Christianity (there interpretation). In the Christian faith man is the head. This is not to say men are better and/or women are less. Who are the head of households in most black families? The women. Out of sync with the GOD many of us have embraced.
3. The most effected means to wipe out a race is destroy the family. Bill Cosby stated in his 1968 documentary, Black History: Lost, Stolen or Strayed, the constant attack in the media was on the black man. By the time Mr. Cosby was able to negate some of the stereotypes in 1992 with The Cosby Show many black families have been obliterated.
4. The media has black women believing that strong is loud, neck swiveling, stank attitude and disrespectful to black men. This behavior is NEVER demonstrated to white men.
I could go on with the many factors on why we/black women don’t get it. However, if this is to long many readers will lose focus.
I agree Jah Larry Dread,Broken relationships between a Black Women and a Black men are caused by a number of unseen factors. I believe that the psychological damage since the beginning of slavery and what is continuing now in the present, makes it almost impossible to do what it takes to sustain a loving relationship. Im a man that will love protect and cherish my woman like the Queen that she is, but all that beein loud, neck rollin, and tryna fight. Come on ladies you are grown, act like a grown woman and you will attract a real man.