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Dr. Boyce Video: Are You a Woman Who Overlooks the “Nice” Guy? Let’s Talk about That

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Nomalanga Mhlauli-Moses recently wrote an article about the kinds of men that women might be most likely to overlook.  She goes through the standard relationship rejects that most women have encountered:  The nice guy, the boring guy, the man with kids, etc.  She makes a very good set of points about the way we go about choosing mates, so I thought I’d give a male point of view.

I humbly share this perspective because it is my honest belief that the missing father can leave too many young women without the tools necessary to make good choices when it comes to men.  So, after a string of bad decisions, this woman may end up bitter and angry over the outcomes, when the truth is that she was never taught how to pick a good man in the first place.

You can watch my video to understand what I’m trying to say.

Dr. Boyce Watkins is the founder of the Your Black World Coalition. He is also the creator of the Building Outstanding Men and Boys Family Empowerment Series. To have Dr. Boyce commentary delivered to your email, please click here.

272 Comments

  1. ELIZABETH

    October 25, 2012 at 9:26 am

    WHAT ABOUT THE MEN WHO OVERLOOK THE “NICE WOMEN”? SO SICK OF HEARING ABOUT HE OVERLOOKED NICE GUY. MOST SO CALLED NICE GUYS WITHOUT WOMEN ARE MEN WHO ARE LOOKING FOR A BED MATE ONLY, THEY DON’T WANT A FUTURE. YOU ARE SO WRONG ON THIS ARTICLE DR. BOYCE.

    • Jf

      October 25, 2012 at 9:40 am

      I’m “kind” of with you Elizabeth, but what about the men who “overlook” a nice and good woman, because of what she may or may not have, or isn’t willing to do. I dated and stood behind a guy for five years which I learned that his finances and priorities were really “jacked up” and when I “refused” to co-sign for him a vehicle, he moved on and “married” someone really “quickly” after I said NO!

    • Byron

      October 25, 2012 at 10:02 am

      A little bitter are u? u know described a player right? lol.

  2. Toni

    October 25, 2012 at 12:09 pm

    Dr. Boyce,

    I think it is an individual matter, but in most cases it is hard to tell who the good men are from a womans prespective. I try not to judge a book by its cover and get to know a person but they tend to want to move to fast. I am a good woman and a good looking woman that want a partner, n0t a father, player, ect just a good honest person that works hard like I do and want to be happy, I have tried the man that has chilren and baby mamas but you have to carry the weight of the bills and the mamma drama, I have had the man with the good job but his eyes are too big and one woman is not enough.

    It is a catch twenty two situation, but I believe in Black love and I will not allow the past to dictate my future. So I purpose a question to you… Where do decent women go to find decent men? Im not holeyer than thou, but I am not a bar hopper. I belleive in going to the park, plays, movies, live music spots. Tell a sister…

    • Fashionfair2

      March 19, 2013 at 10:42 pm

      Right! I am looking to ask the question as well. Riddle us this Dr. Boyce: Where do we decent women go for the decent men to find US?

  3. Miss T

    October 25, 2012 at 2:37 pm

    “Nice guys” that’s a farce and a joke. They are usually some kind of closet freak pervs, got some other mess going on or have emotional baggage just like any other person. If they are such “nice guys”, then why are they single? Some woman would have scooped him up and lived happily ever after….pah-leeze!

  4. black jones

    October 25, 2012 at 3:07 pm

    There’s no such thing as a NICE anything ALL things “ROT” and so does a so-called NICE GUY. WE gotta know the skills of “RESTORING” If all is willing—-OR move on to the next “ROTTEN NICE GUY”——Cause the “BEAT GOES ON”!!!.

  5. Ahem

    October 25, 2012 at 4:28 pm

    That tired azz ‘nice guy’ shtt.

    Ya’ll supposed ‘nice guys’ had no problem overlooking the ‘nice girls,’ but the women are just soooooo evil for passing them up for the sexy ‘bad boy.’

    Simply put, these ‘nice persons’ didn’t appeal to one another, so they went for something more exciting.

  6. knowledge

    October 25, 2012 at 4:51 pm

    TONI, I AM LIKE YOU..ACTUALLY YOUR WORDS SOUNDS LIKE MY VERY WORDS. I JUST TURNED 52, BUT EVERYONE THINKS I AM 38, SIZE 10, 5 6′. GOD, & WORKING OUT AND TAKING CARE OF MYSELF HAS PAID OFF! NO WRINKLES,VEINS IN THE LEGS,SAGGING, ROTTEN TEETH, WIGS, STRETCH MARKS, ONE SON WHO’S 33, NOT A DRAMA MAMA, NOT A LOUD TALKER, NOTHING FANCY BUT HAVE A DECENT VEHICLE, RENTING BUT OWN PLACE, WORKING ON MS DEGREE, BIZ MINDED, NOT A SO CALLED “GOLD DIGGER”. LIKE YOU, I DESIRE A BLACKMAN AS WELL. I’VE BEEN TOLD THAT I ASK FOR TOO MUCH…WHAT THE H–. I REFUSE TO GET WITH A MAN THAT HAS A SLOPPY APPEARANCE, BAD HYGIENE, NO JOB, NO VEHICLE. HE MUST HAVE SOME INTELLIGENTS FOR COMMUNICATION WITHOUT CURSING AFTER EVERY WORD. BUT THAT’S ASKING FOR TOO MUCH..A WHITE WOMEN CAN GET A BLACK DECENT MAN QUICKER THAN WE CAN & THAT’S A FACT & A D— SHAME..I’M TOOO DISGUSTED. HOWEVER, THE MEN THAT DO FIT MY CRITERIAS ARE MARRIED. COMING FROM BROOKLYN, NY, I AM A VERY DIVERSIFIED WOMAN. I UNDERSTAND HOW TO TREASURE THE FINER THINGS IN LIFE…SMELLING THE ROSES..I ENJOY PARKS, MUSEUMS, COOKING, HIKING,ETC. .. SPEAKING FROM EXPERIENCE OF BEING A WOMEN..THE MAIN THING MOST MEN THINK ABOUT IS SEX..NOTHING WRONG WITH IT..BUT WHEN YOU FIRST MET A MAN SEX IS NOT IN STYLE…GOING DOWN ON HIM IS NOT MY CUP OF TEA EITHER…I DON’T MIND COOKING AND PUTTING THE PLATE IN FRONT OF HIM…BUT A GIRL LIKE TO BE TAKEN OUT..AS A MATTER OF FACT, I DON’T MIND SHARING OR PAYING THE BILL NEXT TIME! NOW I JUST MEET A MAN & THE FIRST THING HE COMMUNICATES IS SEX..NOT GETTING TO KNOW WHO I AM OR WHAT I AM ABOUT! DATING IS NOT EVEN IN THE PICTURE. ALL THOSE NASTY STDS & SO CALLED “DOWN LOW BROTHERS”..SEXING ANN & ALSO DAN…ONCE A UPON A TIME MOST OF US GOT CAUGHT UP WITH ONE NIGHT STANDS..I’VE HAD MORE THAN I CARE TO TALK ABOUT..HOWEVER, NO MORE..NOT SAYING I MEET A MAN TODAY AND WANT TO GET MARRIED TOMMORROW OR CONTROL HIS LIFE.HOWEVER, LOOKING AT THE WORLD TODAY, A GOOD WOMAN WANTS A GOOD MAN TO BUILD ASSETS WITH..TO GET TO KNOW, TO DATE..I WANT TO KNOW WHAT MAKES HIM SMILE, WHAT TIKS HIS BOMB OFF, WHAT HE LIKE TO DO AND NOT DO..EXAMPLE, IF HE’S A COUCH POTATOE..IT WON’T WORK, NOT THAT I PARTY ALL THE TIME BUT I DO LIKE TO GET OUT.. EVERY NOW & THEN. AS I SAID I LIKE QUALITY..BUT AS YOU SAID TONI..ALL BLACKWOMEN ARE CATEGORIZED..WE ARE EITHER A “MAD BLACK WOMAN”, LOUD, GOLD DIGGER, DON’T KNOW HOW TO TREAT OUR MEN..SURE THERE’S ENOUGH OF THOSE TO GO AROUND AND PUT US GOOD WOOMEN TO SHAME..HOWEVER, THERE’S ENOUGH BLACKMEN WHO BEAT DOWN & DISRESPECT US, DON’T KNOW HOW TO TREAT US, TALK TO US..IT WORKS ON BOTH SIDES..BUT MORE BLACKMEN ARE TOO QUICK TO RUN ON THE OTHER SIDE. EVEN TALK DOWN ON US..I CAN BE IN FRONT OF A GUY I THINK IS ATTRACTIVE, SMILE — BUT I DON’T EXIST..NOW IF I HAD MY BOOBS, AND TIGHT PANTS ON..I CAN GET ALL THE MEN I WANT. I LIKE TO KNOW AS WELL.. IF THERE ARE ANY WELL GROOMED, NEAT, INTELLIGENT, BIZ MINDED, IN GOOD SHAPE BLACKMEN THAT DESIRE US..IF NOT..WE PROBABLY NEED TO RETHINK OUR VALUES. ALTHOUGH I ALLOWED MYSELF TO BE MISTREATED, BEAT & TALK DOWN AS A YOUNG WOMAN BUT I NEVER THOUGHT ABOUT GOING TO THE OTHER SIDE. I THINK GOD FOR MY FATHER WHO WAS A GOOD ROLE MODEL IN MY LIFE! LIFE IS TOO SHORT TO LIVE IT ALONE & WHY MUST GOOD BLACKWOMEN LIVE IT ALONE. I KNOW SEVERAL..NOW, WHERE IS THE GOOD BLACKMAN.. ANY GOOD BLACKWOMAN WITH COMMON SENSE WANT A GOOD BLACKMAN BUT WHY MUST WE HAVE TO ACCEPT A MAN THAT IS SLOPPY, A JAIL BIRD, A THUG, VIOLENT, IMMATURE, INSECURE..THEN WHEN WE ARE NOT INTERESTED, WE ARE TALK DOWN. I PRETTY MUCH IS GETTING TIRED OF HOPING AND WISHING..IF MOST BLACKMEN WANT A WHITE OR ASIAN WOMAN HE DON’T NEED TO LOOK MY WAY ANYWAY, AS FAR AS I AM CONCERNED HE OR SHE IS SELL OUT WHICH IS NOTHING MORE THAN ANOTHER FORM OF CONQUER AND DIVIDE. BUT YOU KNOW SISTA, I SEE THAT MORE AND MORE TODAY..ONCE UPON A TIME..IF A BLACKMAN WAS TO EVEN LOOK AT THE SO CALLED “FORBIDDEN FRUIT”, HE FOUND HIMSELF LYNCHED OR TEN FEET UNDER WATER, NOW, WE CAN EVEN GET ONE THAT IS DECENT, WELL GROOMED AND EASY ON THE EYES.. WE ARE NOTHING MORE THAN SEX OBJECTS. MOST BLACKWOMEN ARE ACCEPTING WHAT THEY CAN GET..I, WE DESERVE BETTER..ANOTHER THING IS CRAZY..MANY BLACKWOMEN HAVE GOOD BLACKMEN & ARE TREATING THEM LIKE SH–. I LOVE TAKING TO BLACKMEN. I NEVER TAKE SIDES BECAUSE IT’S EASY TO LOOK IN FROM THE OUTSIDE BUT I MUST ADMIT I MEET TOO MANY BROTHERS WHO ARE DOING ALL THE RIGHT THINGS & ARE BEING TAKEN FOR GRANTED..THAT ONLY MAKES IS HARDER FOR US..THE ONES WHO WANT AND DESIRE TO CHEERISH & TREAT OUR SWEETIES LIKE A KING. THEN WE GOT WOMEN WHO “I DON’T NEED A MAN”, I TELL THEM “DON’T GET ME TO LYING BECAUSE I DO.GOD MADE MAN FOR WOMEN..THAT WE WERE A GIFT FROM GOD, NOW EVERYTHING BEING TURNED BACKWARDS..THE WORLD IS GONE MAD..WHAT’S A GOOD GIRL TO DO..PERHAPS WE NEED TO LOOK SOMEWHERE ELSE..THEN I CAN BET ANY AMOUNT OF MONEY, WE WILL BE SHUNED AND OUTCASTED BUT THEY CAN DO IT. TONI, I READ SOMETHING TO THE EFFECT THAT WE AS WOMEN WERE TRAINED TO WAIT FOR THE MAN TO SAY SOMETHING TO US..MEN SUPPOSED TO BE THE HUNTERS..HOWEVER, I AM FINDING THAT SOME ARE SHY AND THINK THAT WE MAY BE TAKEN ALREADY..I’VE BEEN TOLD THAT..ON THE OTHER HAND I’VE ALSO BEEN TOLD THAT I LOOK “HIGH MAINTENANCE”, WHAT THE HE– IS THAT! WE BLACKWOMAN CAN WIN FOR LOSING. THEN I THOUGHT, PERHAPS I AM IN THE WRONG PLACE. I RELOCATED FROM BROOKLYN, NY TO SOUTH CAROLINA. GUEST WHAT!! EVERYONE KNOWS EVERYONE, WHOEVER IS GETTING MARRIED IS MARRIED, WHOEVER WANTS TO GET MARRIED HAVE BEEN DATING ALREADY, EVERYONE IS EITHER A BROTHER OR A COUSIN! THEN AGAIN, THERE ARE SO MANY BEHIND BARS! SO BLACKWOMEN, I DON’T HAVE THE ANSWER. I TRIED THE DATING ONLINE FOR A WHILE BUT THAT DON’T WORK. ALL THE GUYS PUT PICS UP WHEN THEY WERE YOUNG AND GOOD LOOKING BUT WHEN YOU LOOK AT THE OTHER PICS..O MY GOD..FAT, RECEDING HAIRLINES & SLOPPY. THEN ON THE OTHER HAND YOU SEE A FEW MEN THAT YOU WANT TO RESPOND TO, ALTHOUGH THEY CLAIM THIS OR THAT ABOUT WOMEN AND A LADY CAN’T GO TO THE CLUB..BECAUSE MOST OF THE WOMEN DRESS & ACT LIKE SLU–, THEREFORE,THE MEN THINK ALL THE WOMEN ARE SLU—. I LIKE OLD SCHOOL, DISCO, THAT’S MY ERA. ANYWASY, THIS WILL SERVE AS A HELP WANTED.

    ** WANTED ALL WELL GROOMED, SERIOUS MINDED, INTELLIGENT GOOD BLACKMEN SIGN UP HERE, IF YOU DESIRE THE SAME IN A BLACKWOMEN..LET’S KEEP THE GENES GOING…THERE ARE PLENTY OF GOOD BLACKWOMEN STILL OUT HERE LOOKING FOR YOU!! JUST OPEN YOUR EYES…AND DON’T BE SHY!

    • Ahem

      October 25, 2012 at 8:29 pm

      Boy, you sound like a definite catch!

      Good luck with trying to land a black man.

    • Toni

      October 26, 2012 at 11:00 am

      I couldnt agree more with everything you just said, But let me elaberate evern further, On the high maintenace issue, i asked my male cousin why the nice guys will not hit on me, what is wrong, I get compliments allday and I am not stuck on myself. He told me when a man looks at me he thinks money he would have to spend or that I am stuck up because I take care of myself,He will never know the real me because of his limited imagination, I have a brain, have my own home a decent car, hair tight. So because I care about my self I cant get a man? I do not show all my body in public but I am noticable , Everything they see outside of me I pay for nails, my hair to be done, I need companionship not a money man. But I will not settle for a man that wants to be taken care of while I do the work. Why shouldnt i want a man that is on my level?, why do I have to lower my standards to be happy?

  7. NiceGuyMyAzz

    October 25, 2012 at 6:07 pm

    Nice guy? Sure, they’re all nice until you get to know who they are and what their motive is. Niceness goes out the door. Sure, they’re nice until you find out they’re cheating on you. Sure! Whatever!

  8. gunznrozes

    October 25, 2012 at 9:27 pm

    nice guys are sneaky and quiet with hidden behaviors of themselves in other words they “appear” to be nice until they come out the bag with their true worth.

  9. Chucky Chuck

    October 26, 2012 at 12:43 am

    Hello to the ladies out here. Here are my .02 cents.

    I am a single black man bearing no tattoos, criminal/civil records, etc… This probably excludes me right now. I am a true southern pioneer to the fact, that I cut & burn wood to heat my home during winter, I hang my clothes out to dry even though I have a dryer, and I keep it 100 daily.. seriously If you would allow me to touch a few key notes… correct me if I am wrong. BTW.. I am a 39 year old Carolinian, clean cut, well groomed.. ain’t no sugar in this blood.

    1. A brother that can cook, fix & repair (home & auto), survive the means, and has good common sense about life is overlooked 99%.
    2. A brother that doesn’t follow the crowd.. again is overlooked because perhaps he doesn’t fit the puzzle.
    3. A brother that wants good conversation with entertaining and having complete 1:1 time is overlooked.
    4. A brother that is a family man (Parents, Grandparents, Aunts, Uncles, Cousins, Senior Citizens, Child(s)) is often overlooked.
    5. Society tells folks to follow the dream(s). Well that dream can be the same as following the rainbow.. One will die or grow old trying to find all of it’s foundation points.
    6. Keep watching these movies and attempting to cater your life to align with it. (good movies..maybe, but one should remember it’s for entertainment purposes only)
    7. Think like yourself.. not like a man.. You initially change your whole program and at the same time you become a fraud to yourself and me during the process!
    8. Help me to Help you.. I am long term.
    ********************
    What I don’t understand about the ladies.. here goes..

    1. Tattoos.. Tell me this, do you still love & drive the same car/suv you liked 5-10 years ago. I would say tattoos fall into this same mix, but you are stuck with it now. Why is every breastplate, arm, leg, thigh getting marked up? You miss Rufus right?
    2. Why do dates have to be the “movies and dinner”? This is so super tired. Let’s get our roll on… biking, roller skating, etc.)
    3. Why do your social circles determine your “selection”? They are often 100% unhappy and confused.
    4. How can I respect you to full capacity, when you put me down so much?
    5. Why do you want to clone me to be so much like your ex(s)?
    6. I don’t understand why I have to go to the club…. have to holler in your ear.. (you) halfway listening and mentally playing games. If I come correct, make you laugh, etc…. then I am still considered too nice.
    7. Why is everyone so damn tired? We can sleep when we go to the rest home or die!
    8. Why you can not step out of your element(s)? Try something active for a change.

    Just a few.. any ladies want to challenge offline? Distance is not a factor. Whatever-Whatever!

    • Toni

      October 26, 2012 at 11:07 am

      If I was younger You would definatly have a chance

    • Fashionfair2

      March 19, 2013 at 10:46 pm

      In the words of halle Berry in BAP…” Where he at? Hit me up Chuck Fashionfair Fashionfair on FB. I will let you Ladies know if he is true to ALLLL his words of description. LOL!

  10. KJ6VSR

    October 26, 2012 at 12:08 pm

    I am a (sorry, ladies) married black man bearing no tattoos, no criminal/civil records, etc… This probably excludes me right now. I am a proud milit’ry brat that retired from the Navy, I hang my clothes out to dry even though I have a dryer, and I at 46 year old constantly do physical training, well groomed. Ain’t no sugar in this blood because I eat garden-fresh vegetables & eschew complex carbs & prefer fish.
    I know. The guy of your dreams and he’s married.
    Wait! Don’t despair. There are others like me out there. We’re not all married, gay, in jail or dead.
    Anymore like me at home? No, not at home but I’m not that unique. If you find the right place you won’t have to look for what you want. It will find YOU the way it found me.
    A brother that doesn’t follow the crowd… my path sometimes takes me off-road.
    1. Tattoos… even the Navy couldn’t entice me to get one.
    2. Why do dates have to be the “movies and dinner”? Let’s get our roll on… biking, roller skating, etc.) No, let’s get real: scuba diving camping, fishing & hunting’s how to really get it started.
    So where can one find someone like me, ladies? Take yourself out of your normal comfort zone. Try a different path: join me on the airwaves and get an amateur radio license. It’s not difficult at all. I’m tired of bein’ the guy that keeps the HAM radio gatherings from lookin’ like retirement homes in the Old South, if you know what I mean.
    Outdoor activities like fishin’ huntin’ & scuba divin’ aren’t just for white folks, y’know. All these require licensing but they’re worth it. for one thing, when the disasters send us to survival level the white folks won’t be the only ones prepared for it. They’re huntin’, fishin’, divin’, and usin’ HAM radio so we need to get on the stick.
    I also think goin’ through Community Emergency Response Team training will help, too. I was the only brotha that came through the basic trainin’ in April and the refresher two weeks ago & I didn’t see too many of my classmates in either in whose hands I’d want to put my safety & wellbeing.
    Check out this website for more information:www.incmedia.org

    • Tired of the BS!!!

      March 19, 2013 at 11:56 am

      I thought my husband would be the one. Baby mama drama, bad credit…etc… you name it he got it. I cleaned him up and now we have full custody of his 2 youngest kids. I didn’t sign on for all of this. I graduate soon with my MPA and my kids are grown. I’m a Carolinian who loves an old fashioned good time. Crabbing, shrimping and just being the apple of my mans eye. My dream was to travel with my mate and see other parts of Gods beautiful creation. A lot of men can’t handle a sistah like me… that has her stuff together. Sure i’ve had my share of problems but I didn’t bring those into my relationships. So I guess my question is why men are intimidated by women like myself?

  11. keepsitreal

    October 26, 2012 at 6:23 pm

    Don’t forget the superficiality of judging the book by the cover. Love has bo distinction based on height either. I’m a short man with a heart and common sense that surpasses MANY taller men

  12. Rob

    October 31, 2012 at 8:46 am

    I guess the only thing hampering black relationships is black men, I guess it’s bad to be one. I have been with my girl for nine years now. When I met her she was very mean spirited towards me but I realized some of it was because of prior relationships. Many times I threw my hands up, many times I told myself that some of the things I was doing for her I would stop because I never received reciprocity from her. Even to the point that she resented my successes because her prior relationship the dude had financial problems or something. Sometimes I felt I was too nice to her. I have asked female coworkers about this and I am told that if a man is to nice a female will get the opinion that he is hiding something or he does not have confidence in himself, nothing that describes me at all. Well I have come to the conclusion that I was just happy to have her companionship and honestly I think I’m old fashioned when it comes to dating because I seem to like being chivalrous to make a woman feel good about herself and I’m good at communicating my feelings. It took for her to get MS and my being there for her, and to chance upon a dialog another female was giving me for her to realize maybe she needed to treat me better I think. She really doesn’t realize how much I’m dissapointed with how our relationship started. I really thought that you find a girl you liked, you showed her you was a good man, trushworthy and dependable, willing to lay down you life for her protection, good sex, etc… but I don’t feel that is the case. Now I really don’t know how to proceed further, I just pray about it. Maybe I have done this to myself for caring.

  13. Michelle

    November 12, 2012 at 11:23 pm

    I would love to meet a wonderful man about 53 to 58 where are you ??? i am a great person I have my own I would just like to get to know a nice man around age now where are you I read the post I do understand that all good men are not in jail , homeless, down-low or mamas boys. When men get to be over 50 what in the hell they are wating for before you know it 60 is right around the conner. leave me some info on yourself LIVE IS TOO SHORT IT IS TIME TO DO A GOOD LIFE A CLEAN LIFE !!!! PLEASE NO FREAKS but then I hope that the crazies do not have a clue about this web site and I do understand that this is not a dating site I just wanted to post this info but one ever knows what can happen everyone has a soul mate in GOD’s world !!!I do agree as another woman posted that their are men on dating site who are over fifty to sixty- five who are still playing games ” YES they do submitt pics. of other folks or pic of them self back in the day well this is saying alot already RUN RUN !! I’M REAL

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