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Sil Lai Abrams Talks about the Relationship that Almost Killed Her

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Sil lai Abram, relationship expert at Ebony.com, has been through a lot.  Most importantly, she is willing to tell her story to anyone who will listen, even when she is attacked for giving her perspectives.  Sil lai’s story about surviving domestic abuse is critical for those who want to learn from others who’ve confronted some of the challenges that millions of people face in their own lives.  Violence isn’t just something that affects women, it can also affect men in both gay and heterosexual relationships.  No matter what your situation, if you find yourself being abused, take steps to get away.  Here is her story:

Here are some of the times I didn’t leave my partner: I didn’t leave him when he hit me so hard that he paralyzed my diaphragm and I couldn’t scream for help. I didn’t leave after neighbors had him arrested, or when he grabbed me by my throat and dragged me around the house, or when friends and family begged me to leave. I did not even leave when he threw me against the floor while I was six months pregnant. Did I think about it? Of course I did. I thought about it every single time he raised his hand to me. Sometimes I even did leave–for a night, for three. But I always came back, because as any battered woman can tell you, the leaving can feel harder than the abuse. Most of us carry with us a wretched crib sheet of times we should have left, and that list just keeps getting longer. Here’s the story of how I put an end to mine.

Meeting Scott* was like meeting the rest of my life. He was gorgeous, a successful male model. I was a model too, and a single parent– devoted, but also wild and a little unsettled. He came into the picture and love-bombed me, constantly telling me that I was the most beautiful woman in the world, asking to spend every waking minute together. He took on my baggage (and believe me, I had some). At that time in my life, I was convinced that I needed a husband and a father for my son, Christian. I believed that being with Scott transformed me from a statistic–another woman of color with a baby and no man–into half of a perfect couple.

We moved in together after just three months. Scott brought his clothing and a stack of video games, plus a vicious temper and a need for control that I hadn’t known was on the packing list. The fights were ugly. He’d call me “slut” and “whore” and tell me that a sexual assault I’d suffered while we were together was my fault. His words destroyed me, but I thought that if I kept Scott happy, I would have a partner and a proper family for the first time in my life, something I desperately wanted. So instead of removing myself from the situation, I became hypervigilant. I would make myself sick trying to follow all of his rules, constantly reassuring him that I wasn’t cheating and telling him that I’d always be there to take care of him. Slowly, I became estranged from all of my friends. (Scott thought that everyone–male or female–was “trying to sleep with me.”) I became totally isolated from the rest of the world and, unsurprisingly, completely miserable.

12 Comments

  1. Greg

    September 14, 2012 at 11:36 pm

    I can’t say anything. She said it all….

  2. Uglay

    September 15, 2012 at 11:16 am

    All that black dick made you into a punching bag.

    Lemme guess, they loved your light skin and long hair. Kept you gassed up with thoughts of ‘jealous darkies hatin on you’ lines.

    Glad you’re ok, but you’re not the first or the last to be foolish.

    So much for Black Love…

    • moonhead

      September 16, 2012 at 2:52 pm

      Uglay: Maybe I can’t read, but can you tell me where in this article does it mentions, the race of her abusive boyfriend? Going by his name, which is Scott, it sounds as though he was white, not black. You sound like an stupid bigoted idiot, because when did black men, corner the market on spousal abuse? Abuse occurs in every race, and in every religion, and if you want to go the race route, it was the white man, that first introduced abuse to black men, by abusing them, and black women. But, this story is about abuse, and not race, so let’s refrain from making generalities, and bigoted statements. When this man, first put his hands on this woman, she should have boiled a big pot of grits, and put syrup in it, and threw it all over him. I guarantee, that he would never would have even thought of laying his hands on her ever again, and she would never worry, fear, or see his ass again, unless to apologize to her.

  3. JC

    September 16, 2012 at 8:38 am

    The victims in domestic violence all have one thing in common and it’s LIVING FOR OTHER PEOPLE problem. Living the expectations of other people can get you killed. Who cares if you’re a single parent what’s important is that your home is healthy and a haven of rest for you and your child. Know the signs that someone is abusive and don’t ignore them. The signs stick out like a sore thumb because they show up in minor situations and prepare yourself for a partner when your ready and healed. Having a man or a woman doesn’t complete you. You must be whole before then.

  4. Faith

    September 16, 2012 at 11:55 am

    Well said, Sister. Stay Strong.

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