Living in the Pressure Cooker: Is It Unfairly Difficult to be a Preacher’s Wife?
In this video, Dr. Boyce Watkins speaks with Dr. Christina Edmondson. Dr. Edmondson is not just a famed psychologist, she is also the wife of Pastor Micah Edmondson. In the conversation, the two discuss whether or not there is an unfair amount of pressure on the backs of women who choose to marry men who are either the heads of churches or in prominent positions.
This video was shot a couple of months ago after actress Meagan Good was heavily scrutinized for the seductive dance she did during her bachelorette party. Good, at the time, was set to marry a preacher the next day and the wedding went off without a hitch. But the backlash on Good made many people wonder if there is too much unfair pressure being put on women in those situations.
This conversation also lends itself to the broader discussion of the deep relationship between black women and the black church. Author Deborrah Cooper recent wrote a book entitled “The Black Church: Where Women Pray and Men Prey.” Cooper argues that not only is there an unfair amount of pressure on women married to pastors to fit into a mold that is set by others, but there is also pressure on all women in church to take orders from men, even if the men themselves are corrupt.
The conversation is below:
This is a subject that has been avoided for years. The actual role of women in black churches has been more profound than what is actually given credit for. Women and not men have actually been the force that has kept the church together but has also been the cause of many being destroyed. Women dedicated to the gospel are truly dedicated. They have powerful leadership positions and sometimes without titles. A Pastor’s wife is held to a standard much higher than any lay member simply because she is the Pastor’s wife. I’m not saying this double standard is right but it is there. Look at it from another position, there are several times when counseling sessions with families must be done by the Pastor and his wife. If the conduct of the wife is somewhat suspect, there will be a lack of confidence to receive counseling. Also, gossip is a true enemy in church and the least little negative comment about the Pastor’s wife starts a fire that is hard to put out. Women are the true drivers within several churches and the Pastor’s wife usually is leading. All leaders whether in church or work receive the eyes on me situation; it is just harder for Pastor’s wives since they have to deal with envy, jealously, and gossip.
I totally agree with both Henderson Leflore and Author, Deborrah Cooper -(can’t wait to pick up her book)! I am a wife of a minister and I’m fairly young. So, the attempt to mold me into what others wanted me to be, surley came my way. But after, say…six years, I said h**l-to-da-naw! I COULD NOT, and was not, about to take another step by living life as others wanted, when 1) My mother had already raised me and 2)(which is most important) God already made me just how He purposed me to be- full of life and bubbly, loving to laugh, and to simply be human and transparent. (Which by the way, that “h**l-to-da-naw” comment is bothering some Christian folk now because that’s “too much” and according to them, I just might not be saved! (lol)). But anyway, what I’ve learned- rather, what God has taught me, is to not let others dictate who I am or what I do; ONLY God is priveleged to do that! Also, I had a very dear woman and friend at the previous church I attended to tell me, “Set boundaries and never allow anyone to cross them. Because if that occurs, there goes my peace…and that is too much of price to pay”. So, yeah, I got tired to the point that I cried to God as I was stalling to get dressed on Sunday mornings asking God “Is this really what you had in mind for church to be like? For the people to hurt at will”? So, week after week, I finally got tired and took a stand and stopped attending that church or any church, for that matter. I was done! I was ready to throw in the towel…in fact, I did! But God!(Thank you Jesus) He said “Oh no little girl; you belong to me”; and He seemingly, caught my towel and held on to it as I began to truly receive real ministry and real, loving and proper care for my noticeable spiritual wounds. I had (and still have)real worship with God at my home. It was over a year before God handed me back my towel (so to speak) after nursing my spritual wounds that I was ready to return to any church. (I teetered because I didn’t want to go to ANY church and risk seeing anymore ” fake church people” at all! I was simply fed up with their antics of playing church, of being hurt, of their “look at me…ain’t my dress/suit fresh” syndrome and just the unfortunate slap of truth of more people being fake than real. I was not about being fake, and if I wanted to rock a nice pair of jeans with a cute blouse and stilettos (verses some hot, long, ugly dress)..then I was going to rock it because God is merely interested in our hearts…not our clothes anyway. I wear my heart on my sleeve and I was not about to smile and grin about some mess that made me feel “less than” or (get this)… disregarded by the pastor of the church and writen off as a “trouble maker” when I told him one of his ministers made a pass at me while my husband was away serving our country. Enough was just enough! And let me tell you…at home all alone with God was right where I needed to be to be nursed back to spiritual health and to become far stronger in the Lord than I could have ever imagined! God sees all and controls all and all the events that led me to be at home turned around and worked for my good because I can truly say, I am wiser, stronger, more assertive to stand my ground (if that’s what one is asking for (lol)), unmoveable in the Lord, meek, mild and VERY happy and blessed! As God’s word says “Put confidence in no man…but in Him and Him alone”! As for the beautiful Mrs. Meagann Good-Franklin…girlfriend you keep up them dancing skills because “youz’ married now girl” and those skills come in handy…Hmmm the preacha’ like it too!(lol) (They are men like any other, and if we won’t be that for them or do things…some low-down, don’t care about your marriage, home or family sista’ will). That’s another problem in the black churches, they don’t want to talk about s*x, when it’s a real part of life and should especially be all up in the mix of marriage…ya’ heard me! Married men, stop being at the church so much while your wife is home! Likewise, married women…take your behinds home, too and handle your business. (And if you’re both in there, still go home and simply be a husband and wife…I promise you, God will not be angry). Many forget, that once you’re married, your spouse and home become your FIRST ministry. And I have surely battled some demons about that… and WON! In the name of Jesus there is no one or thing that will come between my husband and I. God gave my a weapon of immediate access to Him through prayer, coupled with praising and fasting, and in the name of Jesus, I declare NO WEAPON formed against my husband and I will prosper (and I don’t care what form the weapon comes in). Let me get offline, I can go on and on about the subject of “church” (as you can see (lol)). Bottom line is no matter what people do to show love or to inflict pain…God is the same yesterday, today and forever…and He is who I am sticking with! Also, as long as the husband and wife equally put in on the marriage and COMMUNICATE, COMMUNICATE, COMMUNICATE to ensure a great rapport is built between the two, then it’s all good! (Praying together as a couple (and for one another)is REALLY wise to do, also). Marriage is a beautiful thing, and inspite of satan’s tactics, being married to a minister is a beautiful thing too, because I know God placed me here. God bless you all, and a very special prayer for Meagan and DeVon that much happiness and long years of success will be yours!
Blessings
Well thank you Longwinded for your post. I think there must be humungous pressure put on Pastors wives especially considering that ALL women in the Church have this unwritten code to adhere to. I think in the past 10 years things have got a little easier but there is a lot of cover up going on around what you say s*x and marriage etc. But you know when we don’t have a real arena for these things then we can’t really talk about relationship or communication breakdown and the mental health issues that can follow.
I find myself agreeing with aspects of Lady Gaga’s song “Born this way.” I am not a carbon copy of Ms Righteous, I’m me and God has given all of us a unique gift. If we can live to God’s standards which is simply to be in communion with Him instead of trying to live by people’s standards we would be a lot better off.
She’s an actress idiots! Not sure if I expected Megan Good to be a holy representation
…as well yes preachers wives do have a image to uphold.
I wouldn’t say that it is “Unfairly” difficult to be a Minister’s wife, but yes, it is difficult. Whether the wife is called to preach on the pulpit as her mate or not, because you are ONE (haven’t seen that mentioned yet),that is why the high standard for her as well as him. And as longwinded said, the Pator’s wife has to learn through trial and error to be herself, and the way the God created her to be. But truly this is too long of a subject with so many nuances, including how her husband views her and works with her in this matter.But bottom line..again, the Pastor’s Wife has to know who she is FIRST…Within God and herself and stand in that and the rest will follow!!
I praise God at home. I do not go to church anymore. I have lost respect for church, and the people in it. Holy rollers are some of the biggest hypocrites. I have been to several churches, and not one is without scandal. Who cares what the church folks think? Two of my former pastors were cheating on their wives, there was the deacon who smoked weed before every service, (and after), the lesbian first lady, the choir member who did cocaine on Saturday night, then sang at the top of her lungs on Sunday morning, the one pastor who physically abused his children, the other pastor’s alcoholic son, the promiscuous young females in the congregation, the women knocking down the church doors trying to find a “good man”, and the list goes on and on. With all these things going on behind church doors, why would anyone care what they think? The people in the church are not perfect, and are in no position to judge anyone. I’m no fool, I know what goes on in there. I’d rather praise God in the comfort of my own home where I don’t have to worry about being judged by hypocrites, liars, hoes, and thieves. Not all church people are bad, I do realize that, but I have seen way more than my share of bs within the church. So, I choose not to go and subject myself to such unnecessary judgement. My God hears me just the same.
And one more thing, concerning the question about pastors’ wives having to endure unfair scrutiny, yes, they do get a lot of that, but if they know what I know, they shouldn’t give a d**n.