black women

Dr Boyce Video: Note to Black Women Who Only Date Men in Church- They Can Be Dogs Too

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In this video, Dr. Boyce Watkins speaks to women who feel that only men in church are worthy of their time on the dating scene. Dr. Watkins talks about the deep religious sentiment among African American women and how they can be influenced by their pastors to only date men who are in church with them.  But Dr. Watkins explains that a good man is not always a man who goes to church and not every man who goes to church is good.

Instead of just focusing on the religious nature of the man, Dr. Watkins says that you should look at the man’s character to decide if he is right for you.  Men like Bishop Eddie Long are often positioned as leaders in the church, leading many women to make decisions that are bad for their sexual and psychological health.   The video is a follow up to a conversation with Deborrah Cooper, author of the book, “The Black Church:  Where Women Pray and Men Prey.”

Dr. Watkins makes it clear that he is not condemning the church or black women who go to church.  Instead, he is calling for black women to be thoughtful about their dating and mating choices instead of believing that a church-going man is always going to treat them right.  This on-going dialogue relates to the struggles being experienced in black relationships and black families in general, and finding solutions that create conditions that are most conducive to the development and sustainability of meaningful African American love.

 

50 Comments

  1. Kim

    July 15, 2012 at 8:11 pm

    I was with one who played Jesus every Easter Sunday and Satan in the house everyday. He thought he owned me. THis nut sang in the choir, went to Bible study every Monday night, would not work only to take pictures in a nightclub and thought he OWNED me. Ladies be careful! Just because they go to church and active in it as well, they can truly be deceiving. That man truly had me to open up my eyes. Thank God I broke away from him in 2010.

    • mmdccbslm

      July 15, 2012 at 9:43 pm

      good for you!

  2. mmdccbslm

    July 15, 2012 at 9:42 pm

    I guess Boyce would know. I guess he dated a few. LOL.

    This is such a fake controversy. There are ManDogs everywhere. But I can assure you that you won’t find as many in church.

    • MM

      July 16, 2012 at 12:32 pm

      Oh dear, you are so sadly mistaken. I would call it about even. You must be someone who grew up in church, which is not a bad thing by no means; but, I’m someone who didn’t. Therefore, when I found Christ for myself I went in with eyes wide open and not how someone told me to think over the years. There are so many things that goes on that are hidden like the sister Kim said above. I saw a FEW brothers who couldn’t keep a job in there, but it wasn’t frowned upon because they were men of God. There was sex between members. A friend of mine later told me that in her church she was sleeping with the Deacon and he would make her pray AFTER they had sex to ask God for forgiveness. Or, my other friend who kept arresting a Pastor for picking up gay male prostitutes and his wfe comes bonds him out of jail every time. I can keep going, but I’m shutting it down there. God is good and the brothers and sisters that people think are worthless a lot of times, in or out of church, turns out to be the diamond in the ruff. Therefore, we should never think because a MAN or WOMAN go to church that he or she is “better”; and, that same person you thought less of could be standing in your pulpit someday. By the way, if you’re only going to church anyway to look for a mate you’re going for the wrong reasons.

      • Mrsshya

        July 16, 2012 at 9:29 pm

        You got that right! I understand what u mean about growing up in (which I did) versus out of the church. There is a verse in Proverb that says sometimes people in the “world” can be more clever than Gods people. It’s a balancing act. We need to be humble & be like a child to inherit the kingdom of Heaen, but we can’t be naive.

      • mmdccbslm

        July 16, 2012 at 10:39 pm

        I agree so much with you and I am not naive. I got to know many in my church and I can tell you the ‘couples’ are generally more diligent and so I believe there is less ‘cheating’. Singles, and there are plenty, are somewhat more discreet. The single women dress more promiscuously for sure and I understand and enjoy it. But I ain’t single or looking for trouble. If any of the brothers is interested, there’s plenty of opportunity and couples form regularly.

        I just do not see any dramatic, overt dirt going on. I can only say what I see.

        Maybe it’s just like I said. Most of the women in my church are smart and have goals. There are also many childrens’ ministries for which men and women, especially parents, volunteer. The adults are diligent.

        I just think the atmosphere in my church promotes better behavior. Are there churches where ‘stuff’ goes on? I am sure there are. and we talk about that in my church from time to time. People are generally honest about relationships.

      • Al

        July 17, 2012 at 6:01 am

        MM,
        Who said the church is perfect? The church is a hospital where all kinds, types, different people come to be healed and fixed-up! The wheat & tares will be in the church until the Lord’s return. The converted Christian continues to strive for perfection…that will only come when He shall return to take us to glory. Paradise is in heaven, not on earth especially not the church. I love my church family, warts and all. We must remain focused on Jesus Christ and remain faithful. God’s church continues to previal until he comes. All the best to you as we walk this Christin journey.
        Al

  3. latisha

    July 15, 2012 at 9:53 pm

    As woman we need to be aware, “doggish” men are every where even in church!! I go to church to fellowship, and know that my heavenly Father will present my king to me, Men of God pump gas, grocery shop, work out..etc in his due time.. I’ve heard both sexes say they go to church to meet mates, when we need to be focused on the word..

  4. wan

    July 15, 2012 at 10:55 pm

    Amen Latisha, I agree

  5. Harry Banks

    July 16, 2012 at 12:02 am

    Amen Dr. Boyce. Women or Men should be aware while Christians are not perfect the scripture indicates that when a person truly knows Christ, He or She beocmes a new creature in God, Old things are passed away and behold we become new persons as God changes us through His Word. So, all things considered if things are remaining the same as the unsaved world for even for those within the Church we should recognize that the possiblility of wolves in sheep clothing are existing. Becareful whether dating in or out of the Church. Good word Dr. Boyce.

  6. head

    July 16, 2012 at 9:07 am

    Tell it like it is! Beware of women and men in church ESPECIALLY the person giving the scripture{PASTOR) who?

  7. Mnyamaone

    July 16, 2012 at 10:09 am

    Usually anyone who will sit around praying for Jesus to send them a man or follow what Passa or Bishop said about having a man are delusional sheeple who haven’t learned to think for themselves. Maturity, dilligence, love and respect aren’t only learned in church by “church folks.” There are more devils in church than on the corner on Sunday morning. They are often deluded into thinking they’re righteous when nothing can be farther from he truth. Bishop needs y’all sitting around waiting on a husband so he can be assured of you putting in your 10% and paying his house note. IF you get to adult status and can’t carry on in your life without a weekly or mid-weekly pep rally (church or Bible study) you deserve what you get anyway because you haven’t learned to think for yourself.

    • layddi

      July 23, 2012 at 7:28 pm

      Mny, you put the truth of the matter out there clearly!! I too, grew up in an extremely prominent church in my community. It took me well into adulthood to find out the truth about my minister(s) etc;. The adultery was rampant, amongst many other un-godly act’s. We need to think for ourselves and stop making these preachers/deacon’s/bishops or head clergy wealthy. I believe in serving God daily by example. By being honest,caring,watchful,humble and giving the best of ones self in all matters of life. Just a few of the characteristics God wants us to exemplify at all times. When we do this he will give us the true gift of discernment. I put no man’s/woman’s word’s over the great mind God has given me to think for myself. Dr. Boyce is so true about being warrey of dating only “church folk”, cause they are some of the biggest hypocrites of all. Peace…

  8. Peter D.Slaughter

    July 16, 2012 at 10:10 am

    He has a good point.I notice that there is a % of women in these churches are cool,down to earth and very balanced overall.
    But on the other end,there is another % who are way to emotional and just fanatics.When some black men try to talk to them it’s real hard to communicate with them. Some will just cut you off and say ” do you believe in jesus or god “. I would say a vast % of black men believe in god,but might not be a jesus fanatic. If a black men does have the same type fanatical believe in all this jesus stuff.These women will cast the brother aside and into hell if he does not believe the same as she does.
    Overall,it’s a major tool of confusion and disunity. I see why a vast % of black men stay out of these churches.It’s way to many in some areas of the country and a vast % of black men are not going to be sitting in no church letting some black women or some preacher tell him what to do.Until this whole scenario is balanced out the current disunity confusion will stay in full effect for sure.

  9. Ausar Nebankh

    July 16, 2012 at 10:56 am

    Woman calling men dogs and men calling women bitches, there seem to be a match. Anyway dog is god backward.

  10. milwood

    July 16, 2012 at 11:00 am

    for the many years of being of being in the world, its going to take many years to undo the damage. Because I go to church and trying to get it right doesn’t mean I am sinless. I will never be sinless but I am better than I was. If one becomes sinless he will be perfect and that is reserved of GOD, but we can be the best we can..

  11. Donna Harris

    July 16, 2012 at 12:12 pm

    The husband before this one was full of the devil!! I specifically asked God NOT to send me any more of the “church folk” I asked Him to work on their imperfections and bless them, but not on my time! Whew! I asked for a good, moral, trustworthy, intelligent,good looking, honest man. One that would be mine alone. God did just that. No more drama, repenting,counseling,crying. Thank you Lord! Whew! That last one was a MESS! This article and video hit a nerve with me. Thanks for saying it Dr. Boyce Watkins! I bet that woman feels foolish that didn’t marry you! lol ·

  12. David W. Johnson Jr

    July 16, 2012 at 3:12 pm

    Our Women Need To Be Very Careful Because There Are Lots And Lots Of fake, phoney pieces of “nigger trash males” going to churches every Sunday pretending to believe in Father God & Lord Jesus but is nothing but Satan Lovers and Supporters. Our Women Have Very Few REAL MEN They Can Trust These Days. We Have These Sorry Butt Pastors And Priest Out There Raping And Molesting Young Girls And Boys In Their Churches. I Wish Father God And Lord Jesus Would Get So Angry At These Worthless Pieces Of Trash And Just Whipe Them Out Or Let Me Do It.

  13. Yvonne

    July 16, 2012 at 3:41 pm

    The problem is the deluded groupies. The groupies bind.

    That enviably happens when looking for a spiritual home, or a place where you belong on this earth and that includes churches, spiritual groups, or ashrams.

    Nearly all religious and “spiritual” situations involve manipulation and dependence. Religion is the number one field for Victimizers and Victims.

    Religion is not an organization but an attainment. Learn, apply, move on. It’s all between you and God.

    We are not even a human being — we are divine, a god within God. And only God is your home.

    Disappointment and frustration, not to mention pain and grief, can only result from trying to find a resting place anywhere but in Infinity. Growth is change — keep on changing onward. Step off into infinity leaving everything behind! This is real religion — nothing else.

  14. Woman of God

    July 16, 2012 at 8:49 pm

    I know guys that are gay, that are in the closet in business, and out of the closet in church. I heard of stories of three-some rampant in churches and at Pastorial conventions. You see a religious leader has power over you because we revere them as leaders, and we have a burning desire to serve God. It is in humility, where we appear our weakiest, we should be our strongest. If you are not spiirutally strong you can be tempted to bite from the forbidden fruit. Mega Churches mean prestige and also assets. Rev Tims was a great example of how greed and growth lead to a gifted preacher losing his life, but the devil had his field day because of the trust people put in one man. God chose lowly means to prophesied his word, shepherds, fisherman, former tax collectors,etc. Paul, Solomon, Job, Isiah all had to endure inorder to receive God favor. To know God is to love God and to love God is to follow his covenants. A man that tote a bible may not even know what’s end it. Asked him the test question. What heroic act did Thomas commit to and what is the most important revelation did Jesus give to Thomas. If he can answer that, he has open the book and read it. Because to many Thomas was a “Doubting Thomas” —but he was much more, and it is hidden in the Bible.

  15. Mrsshya

    July 16, 2012 at 9:22 pm

    I married, so im not lookin for no church man. But when I was single there were virtually NO datable men, only old men or married men. Thinking of the 3 churches I’ve been affiliated with since my 20s…no datable men. Always had to go “outside” & bring’em in. I brought this one fine guy in & he was such a player, he ended up leaving me for the pastors daughter! Pastor helped too. Inviting him to dinner, giving him a spot in the music ministry *smh*

  16. Noco

    July 16, 2012 at 9:44 pm

    I’m not muslim, but ever wonder why there is no raping children and sexing up women (or men) in the muslim temples? First of all,muslims have a code of moral conduct that is enforced. Futhermore, they are not encouraged to worship another human being, idol, or even a picture of their God 9 as christians are wont to do-not even their messengers, apostle or prophets (let alone some two-bit preacher, who oftentimes is pimping his membership: In many of these churches, it makes no difference what the pastor does, the congegration always has some ready-made verse from the bible to condone his behavior. This only encourages these con men to continue in their sins without so much as a reprimand from anyone. Remember Jim Jones and David Corrish, Daddy Grace, Rev. Ike, and others). Black people, in particualr, are always looking for some messiah to come and deliever them from themselves. Preachers, deacons (all church goers), are falliable human beings.

    • mmdccbslm

      July 16, 2012 at 10:45 pm

      sorry! my muslim cousin would call you a liar to your face.

  17. Mrsshya

    July 17, 2012 at 1:56 pm

    Did u read Malcolm X’s autobio & why he left?

    • Noco

      July 17, 2012 at 9:07 pm

      Yes, MrsShyha, I did read the autobiography of malcolm X–a couple of times. Not only that, but i have been a member in the Nation of Islam, so I know the history. You really making a case for what i said about congrgations in churches finding out about a pastor or some other higher-up and finding a bibical verse to justify their devious behavior. First of all he didn’t leave on his own, he was put out for a statement he made concerning the assasination of JFK. And even after getting put pout he still tried to get back into the Nation, but there were certain “bigshots in the Nation who wee threatened by his power and didn’t want him back in. After finding out he couldn’t get back in and also finding out that some of the members were out to kill him, he decided to leave and then to expose what he knew about the Honorable Elijah Muhammad. To the point I was trhying to make: When Malcolm told what he knew, not only did he leave, but thousands of the members also left after feeling that they had been deceived. How many Christian members leave a church after one of their leaders is exposed in some circumstance? Again, you all have some ready-made excuse to look over it. A married pastor of standing in my city recently got a sister in the church pregnant, she had the baby–nothing happened except some biblicAl verse thrown around about forgiveness. Well, if that is the case, then how in the world can this same preacher stand before anybody and deviver the word of God with a straight face? Crello Dollar beats the sh-t out of his daughter and the members immediately started making excuses. Eddie Long vic timized there young boys and the membership starts reading bible verses for him–and some were even saying he couldn’t have done it ( even after he has paid these boys millions of (their) dollars to settle the case to keep it out of court. Christians are some of the most easiest to deceive people in the world when to come to their leaders.

  18. Annette

    July 17, 2012 at 4:02 pm

    Men dogs everywhere. I know a deacon who is marry and sleeps around. I’m sure his wife, Pastor and first lady are all aware. Someone needs to sit him down.

  19. Kim

    July 18, 2012 at 8:10 am

    These are the lst days point boank period. God made everything good and satan camae to steal rob and destroy. Face it – blacks against whites, Republicans against Dems, Gays against the straight, muslims against christians, families against thier own, Bosses slandering and discriminating thier employees, I mean what is or who is at peace these days except those who believe and trust in Jesus Christ as thier saviour? It’s sad! I got my peace. I help those who I can after being knocked down by a whte supervisor who robbed me from my career and a nutcase who tried to take my dignity. PISS ON EM ALL! I am doing ME! Me Plus God = MUCH! Thats all I need N soon to be 53.

  20. Kim

    July 18, 2012 at 8:11 am

    OMG I meant last days and point blank period. sorry for the errors above.

  21. Justmyopinion

    December 19, 2012 at 8:25 am

    As long as a man/woman has good home-training and doesn’t do anything in excess, isn’t that enough? I know plenty of good, decent folks that weren’t necessarily raised in or attend church regularly. They have good common sense, know right from wrong and apply both daily. Maybe they don’t give a customary 10% to a church but they give in other ways. Does that make them unworthy just because they don’t quote scripture, sing in the choir or tithe every Sunday?? I don’t think so. So-called “devils” and dogs are everywhere. I was raised in the church. When I was old enough to date, my mother would turn her nose in disapproval if the boy wasn’t “saved”. Little did she know, the ones who claimed to be “saved” were the biggest hypocrites, wh***s, freaks, and straight up dogs (or “in the closet”). And I can’t tell you how many times I was some church guy’s “beard”. Smh. I don’t attend church regularly but I found someone with all the qualities I deserve. I’d say we’re”spiritual”, not “religious” and happy.

  22. melvin barnes

    December 19, 2012 at 10:41 pm

    GOD is the final judge for all those who “play” church and use it’s members for their personal agenda. “Be not decieved GOD is not mocked whatsoever a man sow that shall he also reap.” King David and his family suffered a lot for his transgression with Bathsheba and the murdering of her husband Uriah. He managed to keep it hidden until Nathan the Prophet came and told him that God knew about his sin. GOD still loved David, but he did not let his sin go unpunished. That holds true today too! All those false prophets ,preachers, teachers, deacons, and those playing church, will one day pay the price for their hidden sins. May God have mercy on them!

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