Being Single Without Kids Doesn’t Mean I’m a Lesbian
Chloe Hilliard, a comedian, takes issue with all the people who think that any person who doesn’t have kids by the time they’re 30 must be gay. Hilliard’s point, made in jest, is a serious nuisance for millions of African American women who find themselves on the other side of the big 3-0 without having a husband or child in tow. Many of these women are liberated, educated and enjoying the single life. But some of them are haunted by questions from relatives who are “concerned” about the state of their love lives.
Frank Ocean is getting on my nerves. Not for the reason you’re thinking. I don’t care who you decide to love or sleep with. I’m frustrated because now that he has publicly clarified his s****l preference, folks are trying to predict who will be next.
Even Queen Latifah is catching flack. This past week while visiting The View, the musician, actress and spokesperson found herself dodging sexuality questions posed by Barbara Walters. In her 40′s Latifah is childless and thinking of adopting which naturally means, it’s time for her to address whether she is gay or straight. The awkward exchange didn’t shake Latifah who declared that her private life is not open for discussion.
The author says that she has a family with “strong southern roots.” That means that she either has kids or she’s a lesbian. Her relatives, like a lot of older African Americans from the south, have a difficult time thinking outside the box when it comes to individual choices in lifestyle and relationship outcomes.
My mother got married at 19 and had me at 22. My grandmother got married late – 23. “And I was a grown woman,” she likes to emphasize before reminding me that she also had seven kids. By their example I should have been married by now. They also don’t buy into the “black women aren’t getting married” hype that’s managed to depress a lot of my girlfriends and sell thousands of magazines.
My singleness is a major issue of concern. “Chloe, I don’t want you to be alone,” my mother says with just enough love so I know that it’s coming from a good place. I also know she fears that I’ll end up being the old woman with 50 cats, eating cake frosting for dinner being featured on Hoarders: Buried Alive. Good thing I don’t like cats.
Chloe then talks about how she doesn’t bring every male she meets around her family, so they don’t know much about her dating life. She says that she has to go out of her way to prove her sexuality to her relatives, who refuse to believe that she is single and still heterosexual.
Over the years I’ve found myself dropping hints letting my family know that yes, I enjoy the company of men. I have deliberately let condoms fall out of my pocketbook or popped birth control pills at the dinner table. Don’t worry, I did it with class.
My bible-thumping grandmother even shows her concern on occasion. While sitting at her kitchen table, where she holds court, she once told me the story of her friend who found out her granddaughter “liked girls.”
Even beyond the problems experienced by women like Chloe is the deeper challenge of actually being a gay American. Many African Americans feel that they must openly declare their heterosexuality, for the intense fear of being gay still exists within the black community. Also, for those with a heterosexual lifestyle, there are disparities between the numbers of available men and women that leave cause for alarm when it comes to dating.
To read more of Chloe’s article, you can visit this link.
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We all know Queen Latifah is gay so why did Barbara Walter’s even have to go there….
I completely understand how the author of the article felt. I, myself for years in my family was silently questioned about my sexuality. It was taboo to talk about our sexuality until one day a male cousin asked me if I was gay. Yes, just flat out said are you a lesbian?! I was polite, young and nieeve at the time so I said no and went about my business. I remember at the time wanting to say to him that I realized that his married life with his ex wife worked out so well I decided to not give it a go. Years later about 13yrs. to be exact I met a man, got engaged and told my immediate family I was getting married and no one believed me. I couldn’t believe it. Literally, my mother said to me after the fact that even the day of she still didn’t believe I was going to get married. Now that im married the next thing is when are you going to have kids and im like i dunno. Truth be told my husband and I aren’t sure if we really want kids. The lesson to all single male and female is live your life as best as you can because at the end of the day people are going to think whatever they want.
why you have to explain to any one, they are going to say/think what ever any way. be true to yourself..
It’s the same for men too. Everyone thinks that if a man is single, childless and approaching 40 he is gay. Maybe some people are just happy with where they are at and it’s no ones business to ask all those personal questions or pass judgement.
People are going to think all kinds of crazy things about other people, no matter what the truth of the matter is. And in the long run it shouldn’t make any difference what other people think as long as they don’t try to impose their will and level of dementia upon you.
There is nothing wrong with women preferring to love women, so they should not be put down by other demented people who have no open minds or vision when it comes to certain issues. Obviously their brains are distorted, in this warped social-structure. It’s interesting to write a story about the way others perceive you in their warped minds, but a waste of time if your focus is on enlightening those particular retards.
This is the kind of stereotyping that hurts us as a people. That is the most hurtful thing to accuse someone of when it’s not true. People need to stop doing this to others!! Some of us single women and men are waiting for the Lord to send us the right mates so we can have children!! I have been accused of being gay because I am single black woman without kids yet. When it comes from those closest to you like family and friends, it really pierces the heart and that takes time for the Lord to heal you from slander. When you choose to wait on the Lord for a mate and kids, you get lied on many times. But in the end, people lied on Jesus. So, if you are like me waiting on God, REJOICE because your reward is on the way!! AMEN!!!!!!
Sadly, ladyofwealth, these stereotypes come mostly from our own Black church, and they are generally focused at men. If a woman is thirty and over, and still childless, she may be thought of as gay, but not treated like she’s gay, and ostracized. A single childless man of over thirty is automatically homosexual…PEACE.